My Domicile

Transformed?

2012-01-19T20:39:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I hear grumblings or yearnings of greater freedom spoken by newish mums, especially those now onto their second child. Almost into the third year with my second child, I can not recall feeling such a need in sometime. I recall fantasizing about a trip away on my own, to get away from it all and just have my own damn space to move freely, think freely and follow my own rhythm to somewhere warm, tropical, spicy .... but that was a while ago.

Maybe that is because we no longer have a baby? Although I still nurse Halle two or three times a day, I have more of my body to myself. Halle likes to do things for herself: walk up and down the stairs, climb into her carseat, do up her seatbelt, put on her own socks and shoes, which gives me a bit more freedom of body. Freedom of mind tends to follow freedom of body. In some ways I feel I am obtaining this freedom I previously desired right here at home.

Maybe it is because my ability to find freedom has changed? Maybe I've become a better freedom-seeker. There's freedom in my thought, there's freedom in my choices; when I'm with my children, whether it be sitting beside them in the bath putting on goofy puppet shows, tented under the comforter with the star maker in the dark telling stories and singing songs, or walking in the rain as they stomp in the puddles, there is freedom. They invite me into their world of total freedom of thought; freedom of imagination. Who is more free from conforming to social norms - them or me? Who is more free from self-judgement - them or me?

Absolutely I still desire doing fun and healthy and fun and not-so-healthy things and that they are unable to participate in at my level - skiing, yoga and nights out, for example - but it is not freedom from them I desire. In some ways, they have brought me greater freedom. As with anything, it's all a matter of perspective.

Halle-luna will be two in two weeks. Her capacity for imagination is as big and round as the moon - imaginary things are so real to her. Still, she is a bit like a skittish foul - prancing, jumping, tossing her head, playing and startling. Jumping out of her skin with excitement and fear. When her little cousin is over she goes completely nuts. And she is so, so loud. She talks, shrieks and laughs (and cries) so much and so loudly she loses her voice! She has fantastic linguistic abilities. She is putting together completely articulate sentences of four, sometimes five words. We converse...in no time at all, her language will reach a point where she will be able to explain her actions. I can't wait to see her logic behind some of her lunatic actions. She is going through quite a defiant and aggressive streak. Her and her little cousin have hysterical fun together but since I now look after her two days a week I think Halle is feeling a little unsure of her postion - that combined with her adored Dada being away- may be cause for some off her difficult behaviour.

These two girls I love so much. They are, currently, a source of freedom for me.

Never Mind, It's Not My Best Post

2011-11-24T20:22:00.001-08:00

Today has been a low mood day which I tried to fight off all day but it just wouldn't go away - impatient, sleepy, irritable, grumpy. So I'm now sitting and unwinding with a glass of red wine.

Winter has hit in full force - blink and you missed fall. Anneka commented at the park the other day, that half the park was fall and half was winter. On and under the big deciduous trees were all the brightly covered leaves and in the open was fresh snow. Quite beautiful.

Yesterday was November 23 and I had my first ski day of the season with Charlotte. We had a great day - lots of conversation, great turns and a little hiking. My body felt good and quite strong even in the heavy snow. However, I think the constant desire to nap today is a result of the physical activity.

Very slowly I've been working on a psychology course (finally I'm half done) which has been quite interesting. I also have built a small tutoring cliental. My students so far are all middle school aged needing help with English/Language Arts - I am remembering how much I enjoy this age group. I've selected novels for all of them to work with and it has been a pleasure reading these stories with them.

I also took on a new pursuit last weekend. I've had a few people mention to me over the years that they thought I would be good as a maternity doctor or midwife. In fact, during my undergrad I made sure I obtained the prerequisites for both and volunteered at a veterinary hospital. My windy career path never turned in that direction and, still, I have other academic and career pursuits in mind. But, with the high proportion of pregnant women and young growing families in this community it occurred to me that serving pregnant women may be a welcome and rewarding service to offer in this community. I jumped into a birth doula course at Douglas College which was a lot more fun and well facilitated than I thought it might be. In retrospect I would certainly have had a doula when I had Anneka. I'm pretty busy but I think I will attend some of the Healthy Pregnancy Outreach meetings and volunteer my services.

I have applied for a M.Ed. program through UBC - Measurement, Evaluation and Research Methodology and am just waiting on my referees to send their paperwork. Yikes! It took me a long time to decide which program to do. This one is what it says - a lot of research methodology, a lot of statistics. As I said, Yikes! So why this one, I ask myself? Well, I could be up to date on all the latest research in any area of education or health I want to - how fun. I could evaluate courses/programs/assessments. I can design and carry out all kinds of research. I could devise ways to evaluate Adult Education programs, early education programs such as Montessori or Waldorf or studies into childbirth. What a way to contribute to areas of interest! This is what I hope, any way. I've applied for the M.Ed. option but am considering doing a thesis to receive an M.A. instead. Fingers crossed I get in!

OK...the kids! Yikes. They can be so sweet, polite, kind and loving and they can both be little hellions!!! Halle can be so destructive. She certainly has caught the "terrible twos" - part of the problem, I think, is she has access to a lot of toys that are not age appropriate. Like the felt pens with which she drew all over the floor; like the beautiful story cards with which she thought it would be fun to practice folding in half. If she gets a felt in her hands she draws on her body, paints likewise. She insists on doing everything herself which often ends up in disaster and if she isn't allowed she arches her back (I have to catch her so she doesn't smash her head on the floor) and shrieks! I honestly don't think Anneka was such a menace. She is full of energy and a lot of fun and also very funny - as Anneka was. Anneka, on the other hand, can just be rather ornery, stubborn and defiant. I tend to be pretty mellow in my reaction to all of this (with the occasional exception and then they just no it's gone to far). I try not to make it about me and try to phrase things like "it's not OK for you to treat people like this. Still they are both mush-buckets and smother me with kisses - Anneka likes to come up with new ways to tell me she loves me such as "I love you more than all the smiles in the world" or "I love you more than all the warm blankets on a winter day"! I think she's quite poetic! We get ridiculously mushy together!

I actually love that my girls have spunk, even though today I would have liked to have....oh never mind!

Back on the Blog

2011-09-20T22:36:00.000-07:00

It's been three months since my last confession...er, I mean post.

That's too much time to cover. I'll just say, I've been busy with work - working at being a mum to Halle and Anneka. It was an adjustment returning to full-time parenting during which, I must confess, I sometimes felt quite blue; however, it has been a special time with the girls this summer. Who wouldn't feel a little blue with the July we had? The latter part August and September have been spectacular and filled with outdoor time particularly at a beautiful bay just south of here...shhhh...it's a secret. I've been fairly active running and hiking and am feeling quite fit - well the last week I have let that slide and here I am tonight eating chocolate and drinking beer.

I feel close and connected to the girls and am happy with how they are developing. Namely, they are joyous, inquisitive, active and creative. They socialize, play hard and are healthy. What more is there at a year and a half and just four? I am happy that I have the time to pack picnics and get down on the floor or on the beach and play. I am also happy that I don't always have to do this and I can leave them to their own devices in their room or in the yard. I am thankful that the days of night time feedings are well in the past and I have my health and the energy to do this. (Halle was really a dream baby in retrospect - I was able to be so busy during her first year and didn't have to implement any sort of sleep training program - how lucky to experience this)

Although the summer weather was short, I am also glad that fall is underway and that we have now have a weekly schedule. Anneka is back at Cedar Valley Waldorf preschool Monday and Tuesday mornings. This is not a lot of time, and although she is loving it and could certainly cope well with a lot more time, it isn't necessary. I'm here; I can provide activities and plan play dates. Soon enough, she will be in kindergarten. Halle and Anneka are scheduled in gym programs and music which start next week. Come the winter Anneka will begin ski school on Sundays, during which I will either nordic ski with Hal, or switch baby duty with C and ski myself. It is satisfying to look at the calendar and see it all laid out.

A funny, sweet anecdote. Anneka has been playing "boyfriend and girlfriend" with a little boy in her preschool. I think they played the game a couple of times at the end of the school year last year. She says he asked her! I don't even think she knew what it means, and I'm not sure she does now, although she may be beginning to figure it out. This year there are 3 boys and 2 girls - very little class. Last year was girl - dominated 5:3 and there was not as much intermingling. It sounds like the little group this year has been having a lot of fun playing all together. She told me this evening (I had barely seen her all day as her school went on a field trip and then she had a playdate) that yesterday at school they played the game a little differently. Just her and her little friend played. She said she had been waiting for him to ask her all morning to play "boyfriend and girlfriend" and then he did! Funny she was waiting because she is not reluctant to offer an idea up to her friends, but I guess she wanted to be asked? Hmmm, that's interesting. When asked how they play that game she said they just hold hands and go places. I asked where, and she told me just places like the basket of bean bags. I remember preschool and how I really liked to play with certain boys. I wouldn't really call them crushes but it did seem like a bit more of a special event then inviting a girlfriend over. I don't recall using the terms boyfriend and girlfriend and holding hands, but it is kind of cute in it innocence. I love how candid she is and how she shares all sorts of details. Maybe if I always remain non-reactive, if I discuss rather than dictate, if I question rather than scold, if I respect rather than demand respect, if I learn rather than teach, she will continue to share with me as the years go on. Maybe I am overly naive or optimistic to think this is possible but I am hopeful. I hope the same of Halle and I wonder how our relationship will unfold. Yes, this time with these beautiful souls is not always easy, is not always fun, but I hope it is building a strong beginning.

It is nice to have the time to just watch and follow their lead. It would be great to be simultaneously taking a course in child development and have others to discuss with. Ah well....and life goes on.

Anneka and Halle

2011-06-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

Overdue for an update.

Current life is pretty steady and unfettered. The girls are growing and learning and we are both home with them. Paul is working against deadlines in the man-cave downstairs but summer also lends itself to visitors and celebrations which also must be fit in. On top of that, without work (I've been very part time and my last day is tomorrow) I don't have as much mental stimulus and I find I need a break from parenting more frequently).

Anneka is sick - it's rare for her so I really feel for her when she is. Still, she is a trooper. Her voice is very smokey right now, she would make a great lounge singer! Halle is better and is full of energy today. She is good for about an hour in the house in the morning and then needs to be set free or she gets irritable. Anneka on the other hand can stay indoors for hours working on "projects" and playing make-believe games. I'm a bit more like Halle in this way and so I find our day goes best when we get out early, come back for lunch, nap Halle (2 - 3 hours) and then Anneka and I can get into something and I can clean up from the morning. Basically at around 9 I open the door and off goes Halle bee-lining it out the gate and we follow. She continues to be very active and excitable. She is pretty loud also and her number of words, although still fairly unclear, is growing exponentially.

Anneka remains her social, inquisitive self. Her ability to start and hold a conversation with just about anyone - young, old, male, female - is impressive. She will talk to anyone and always has something to say. Her and Paul often lie in bed at night talking until way past her bedtime. She asks questions and he explains all kinds of things.

I've applied for a couple of interesting jobs and I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I am still loving Squamish (when the sun shines which is rare these days) and am looking forward to all the music festivals starting this weekend. There is no point in making plans until Paul finishes up this film. He has taken our visitors and the kids to Vancouver today and I am heading out for a run and then some gardening. I adjusted to a new baby very quickly this time, mentally and emotionally, and when I look back over the first year sleep deprivation is hardly even a memory. We were very lucky that way this time. However, physically it has taken me a lot longer to recover. Finally, I am into my last five pounds to get back to a range I feel good in. After having Halle, I was the heaviest I've every been by far for a good year. I can do a forearm stand again and no longer dread running. Here we go!

My Domicile

2011-05-17T22:22:00.000-07:00

I chose the name of this blog to encapsulate all facets of my life that are serving to bring me 'home' or to the place that I reside. By reside I don't mean in time and space although this dwelling and this community I live in are facilitating the process. The title is broad enough to focus on family, community, work, anything I am involved in that is both grounding me and feeding the fire.

The topic of this post is community. Never before have I been been someplace that I knew I wanted to stay. Maybe it was timing; maybe it is family; maybe it is the great fortress of rock to the east or the wind that comes in off the sound. Maybe it is the cross section of cultural make-up, poverty, affluence, health, illness, change, stagnation, potential, disappointment, smiles, insanity, passion, babies and the elderly. Squamish seems to have it all - common struggles and common themes found globally and issues representative of those throughout the province. One thing, however, that is hard to find is ambivalence.

Up until now I have mostly been a sampler of culture, a cultural spectator and soaker-upper and a learner. Never before have I wanted in such a way to be a creator of culture, or a contributor to culture. I want for this town, I want for the people here and it feels good. I want for our common vision and direction and for the betterment of our most marginalized. Less and less do I want to go away and contribute; more and more I want to stay and contribute. This is my community; it is the community of my children and hopefully they will learn from it and contribute to it by simply being allowed to be their beautiful selves.

Collectively Called Halleka

2011-05-09T11:26:00.000-07:00

Was just surprised by Paul. They have called it quits and will be home tomorrow! Anneka has been really missing him and will be stoked. I am fully back in my groove today so would be fine with another week or so but it will be great to see him. He is going to be very busy though and I hope all the editing goes smoothly!

Holy Guacamole! What a Ride!

2011-05-08T21:30:00.000-07:00

The week following the release of the disappointing news that our program and department area was being drastically (and immediately) cut has unraveled as a sequence of unplanned and emotionally demanding events.

Actively pursuing any task or partaking in all events that could help to prevent or diminish this unwanted prospect became my main focus and at the end of it all I find myself with a sore throat, stomach pains (which have thankfully subsided) and fairly substantial fatigue (the fatigue that comes with fighting an illness). It reminds me of exam period in university where inevitably I'd wind up sick after all those late nights of cramming - but only after the last exam had been written.

I'm done though; I'm done with it. There has been a good show of student support with many letters written and it is not over, but I have taken myself out of it. As a temporary employee I've done all I feel I should do without jeopardizing my position; I can now grieve! It really feels like grief. At a meeting with senior Administration on Friday people mentioned how they have been losing sleep over all this and I mentioned that was one thing I was grateful for - maintaining my sleep. Murphy's Law that night I awoke in the night replaying events and conversation and was awake for a couple of hours. Last night I slept all night but it felt more light with thoughts and dreams still gravitating toward this event.

Plans for last week were to drive to Vernon with the girls and have a relaxing time with Grandma. We did have a nice time and it was relaxing the two days I was there but I ended up leaving the girls there, driving back for a night and a day of meetings and returning to Vernon the following night. However I think it was really special for the girls to spend so much quality time with their Grandma. We got back (again) from Vernon on Thursday and on Friday Auntie Char saved my butt by coming up so I could wrap up all lose ends at work. (Picnicking in the sun by the Lillooet gas station, the girls stained orange from popsicles, I felt like turning the car south; if only we were completely free and I'd had our passports.)

Plans for tomorrow were to start full time work for the first summer term. It was going to be intense but I was ready; everything was ready. It wasn't my first choice to work full time but it seemed too good an opportunity to turn down. So, in a way this is good; it just takes some time to transition to. With no work, I can no longer justify paying for childcare which has meant no Gretel - so sad. Thankfully she has another job. I was nervous about going from a working mum back to a full time mom, but I've found it's just like riding a bike. Despite not being in top form my house is already cleaner if not tidier and the girls are being great.

One thing about all the action is it has made these first three weeks of Paul being away whiz by. Only two to go but now that life is slowing down so will the time. Actually, it's not that life is slowing down (particularly for the kids whose rhythm and routine has never changed) but that it won't be as varied for me. When I come home from work and Paul is away it is just me and the kids. I am so happy to hang out with them. A colleague who was expecting his first baby asked me how I managed to maintain patience and remain engaged with the kids after a day of work and I said something that at the time probably seemed to make no sense, or rather state the obvious, and that was that being with my kids was like coming home for me. What I think I meant is that they centered me or connected me with my simple self. Luckily for me I had a job that (most of the time) energized me event though it might sometimes tire me out. So being with them after work made me feel warm and cozy inside and after they have been fed and bathed we'd hang out on my bed and play and read.

I always invite Anneka into our bed when Paul is gone and love having them both nearby. This past week Halle has also been waking up in the night and when she wakes I always nurse her. And when they are in the same room they seem to get up earlier for the day - always before seven. Last night my needs switched. After being with them so much I recently instead of wanting them close I wanted my space. This little crib of Halle's is so awesome. I wheeled it into Anneka's room and put them to sleep in there. I didn't hear a peep from them all night and they slept until 6:45. Then I wheeled it back into my room today to make space in A's little room (which is slowly becoming H and A's room). It is back there again tonight. Halle seems excited about this until she's actually put in her crib. It is probably difficult to reconcile not having the cuddly nursing session in the dark before being put down. I'll take a chair in next time and try to replicate this.

And here we are. The whole summer before us with no plans and endless possibilities. Let the sun shine and the adventures begin!!

Stifling Education One Parabola at a Time

2011-04-30T07:35:00.000-07:00

Life is a strange twisting tale. Just when you think you have the table beautifully set, the cutlery perfectly aligned for a multi-course meal, the wine glasses sparkling just waiting for the guests to arrive to share in a nourishing meal in which you all have made a contribution an unannounced guest can appear and without anyone noticing the subtle flip of a practiced wrist can snatch the table cloth out from under the whole display and 'poof' - it all disappears.

That is exactly what has happened in my world of work and my world of home and family. In a nutshell I will likely not be doing the job I love in the community I love with the people I respect this summer.

There is a romantic element to effectively being on one's own with two young children. I feel more than ever a sense of duty; of grave responsibility; of fierce maternalism. At all times, I must be the grown up. I must solve problems and until I am able to solve them, or make sense of them, I must continue to do what needs to be done for the girls - to smile and laugh and share in their innocence and belief that everything in the world is good and kind and that there will always be someone to take care of them.

In times of need or perceived need it is always the disadvantaged, the most marginalized that suffer the most. It is another small blow to education.

Life is a Mango and a little Popped Corn!

2011-04-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

Picture Review

2011-04-10T21:22:00.000-07:00

Although there is a 5M base at the Whistler Nordic site and you can still ski all the way down to the Village base, winter is coming to an end.

I think Paul has had an incredible (if exhausting) winter and will continue with his winter adventure as he heads to Kamchatka then the coast of Norway for a month or more. It is a pretty exciting life he is leading; however I know it is hard for him to be away from home for that long.

The girls and I have got to enjoy winter too. Anneka has had five days on her skis and Halle has had one day of downhill skiing. One weekend we took both girls up to Whistler mid-station and skied with them on the magic carpet. It was a heavy snowfall day. Anneka did seven laps with Paul and I did five with Halle between my legs. She was intrigued. She did not want to be held on the magic carpet; she crawled on it and stuck her hands off the edge to scoop up snow. It was a great introduction. Then I stuck her in our all terrain stroller and skied with it back down to the Gondola!

Anneka has done really well with the skiing - on the last day with Paul she was getting the feel for turning by leaning. Her skis are a bit long for her to snowplow turn just yet, but should be great for her next year. She has enjoyed it and that is the most important thing. Both Paul and I have tried to make it fun without pushing her.

I have really enjoyed the endurance aspect of cross country skiing this year. I got in less days than I would have liked (7 in total) but two days alone on skate skis which I think is my preference. The stroke is similar to figure skating so it feels natural to me and it is a great work out. I've had four days downhill - last night Paul and I stayed in Whistler without the kids. We sent out for a late dinner, then skied today. I really enjoyed our alone time and it was fun to ski with my man again!

Our nanny, Gretel has worked out better than we could have hoped. Gretel is an incredibly likeable person; a natural winner who seems to excel in all areas. She is a trained nurse, has exceptional interpersonal skills and seems to have a natural understanding of how best to interact with these young kids in many contexts. She is also intelligent and investigates stages of development, ways of managing behaviour and comes with ideas and plans for the day. In my opinion Anneka and Halle have thrived in her care and I am very glad she will be with us for a while longer. (Sometimes, Gretel, you make me feel inadequate :). http://margarethafortmann.blogspot.com/

Spring and Summer are just around the corner and I know we are going to have so much fun. It is very nice for Halle that she will be so mobile this summer. She is getting very quick on her feet - practically running. Between Gretel, myself and lessons (Gretel's boyfriend is their swim "coach") the girls have been spending quite a bit of time at the pool. Halle is quite comfortable in the water but not so much with her coach (it's because he's a he, I'm sure)! She has very little fear of physical stuff but can be scared by some odd things like men (not so strange really), insects, frogs, practically everything in the aquarium except the small colourful tropical fish and jellyfish which she loves. Women she also seems to love and walks up to my friends for hugs. The men thing is not ubiquitous especially with those she is familiar with and will lessen with time...and she absolutely loves her daddy! She remains a very social little thing despite these fears and a certain shyness.

Anneka is the opposite with the swimming thing - although she is not as naturally comfortable in the water (she is really coming along though) she has no problem with her. Actually she seems at ease in most situations and seems to make friends easily. The girls really enjoy eachother although there are occasional spats. I am sure they will continue - I suspect both are rather tenacious and sensitive. Overall Anneka is really good about sharing her toys and is vigilant about looking after Halle, but she does get upset, understandably, when Halle wrecks her stuff!

Here are a lot of pictures from the last couple of months.

Halle is almost one. She figures out how to reach the counter.

Biking on our street on a sunny winter day.

Anneka becomes a prolific artiste.

Winne-the-Pooh floating up to the beehive with his red balloon. "The bees are angry".

Lady with a big dress and nostrils.

1. Gretel in Australia and Anneka in Canada

2. Hear patterns and a heart rug

3. Fancy Letters - also a day she started printing complete mirror image (good thing that stopped!)

4. A recent one I find amusing. "Sunny Luna and the Crazy Men"

(Gretel with Halle - she usually likes to be held by Gretel!)

xoxox these girls!

Not a Princess

2011-03-06T20:25:00.000-08:00

...despite the self indulgent post of yesterday. I know when I'm being melodramatic. Really, things are good. Today there was sun, which may account for my change of heart.

A nice bike ride, some fresh air and a couple of reminders of how lucky I am have given me a little perspective. I have two healthy, happy little kids, a wonderful nanny for them, a good job, a good relationship and a comfortable place to live. When the clouds lift, I can see I am surrounded by beauty.

I slept alone again last night, soundly, deeply, and Halle slept straight through the night. Paul left dark and early for Ogre and has just returned, more than 14 hours later: exhausted.

Admittedly today I tried to find someone for Anneka to play with - preferably at their house. I called around, but the reality is I'm not the only one around here who has a partner who works on the weekend, or who has to work. I kinda did a mass babysitting gig (6 kids including mine) last Wednesday and was crossing my fingers for a return on the investment today! Nope, not happening. I had hoped to go for a ski and didn't really want to drag Anneka along. She'd much rather play with a friend.

OK, I thought. It's us again and we are going to have a great day. We did. A great day. It was nothing too special, the usual food prep, art activities, nap time and time outside. This morning while Hal slept, I set up my bike with the chariot and the bike seat and packed a lunch. We went for a beautiful ride. Anneka and I chatted the whole way. When she is in the chariot she is hard to hear and she shouts at me and we have strained conversation or I try to ignore her! The bike seat is perfect. Talking with Anneka is really very enjoyable, especially when she is in such a great mood. Halle is a great chariot kid. She chills out, hums away and enjoys the ride. I think she likes having more space back there. We stopped for a play date with friends then rode some more.

This evening after bath we hung out on my bed as usual. The girls play naked on the bed. Tonight was extra fun. Anneka jumped around yammering about how her and Halle were kiwi birds and this is our nest that they made and how Halle made it out of clay and mud and she decorated it with flowers and how they sewed the pillows. Halle stood with her arms over her head then threw herself down over and over. I lay on my back and they climbed all over me, giving me big slobbery kisses and love bites and tickles. We giggled a lot.

It was smooth and fun. These are the moments that make memories. This time with my young children is so sweet and when they are grown I will wish for it back.

In the grand scheme, life is grande. It's moments are treasures; it's the in betweens that can get rough.

The Girlz are Alright.

2011-03-05T20:44:00.000-08:00

Anneka: The Storyteller.

She is drawing amazing pictures ripe with stories and imagery: staircases, animals, patterns, symbols (diamonds, hearts, peace signs), people, pregnant mummies, queens, princesses, beds, apple trees and coat hangers. And details, details, details. She prints her name without asking any of the letters, she asks how to spell all kinds of words and writes them down in her neat printing. She makes decorative letters, and is beginning to print some lower case letters too - mummy letters and baby letters. She can identify and print all the letters and her phonological awareness is beginning to develop. She runs her finger under words and breaks up the sounds after she has printed the word. She says she's doing her homework. Today we made a weekly calendar and drew pictures for school days, work days, home days etc. Anneka has been trying to get it all straight so maybe this will help.

Halle: The Performer

Halle is busy. She's busy starting 'programs': doing laundry, playing tea party, baking cakes; anything she watches us doing, she copies and initiates. She drags her laundry basket out of the bedroom into the kitchen, picks up Anneka's dirty clothes and tosses them in there. Then she tips it over and takes them back out. She walks over to the book shelves, looks through the books, pulls out the ones she wants, sits down and "reads" them, and then brings me or Anneka the ones she wants us to read. She puts the dishes in the dishwasher. She feed herself with hand or spoons. She, and only she, feeds herself. She gets her clothes out of her drawer and tries to put them on. She puts things in cupboards and drawers. I find things in the strangest places. And she dances. She really dances hard. She pumps at the air with her hand or fist, waggles her head, moves her feet, shoulders and hips. It's awesome. She's a girl after my own heart.

They both are.

Emily: The Dreamer

I dream of change. A change would do me good. Maybe its the time of year but over the past couple of weeks I've felt myself become quite blue. A month ago I was excited by everything but now I feel like Pooh-bear. Ho hum, hum drum. Life feels like work, parenting, housework, sleep, work, parenting, housework, sleep, housework, parenting, work sleep with no end in sight.

Of course I enjoy my kids, I still enjoy my work (well my students anyway), and I like to organize but I don't like housework. Nothing's changed. I don't like housework because with kids it is just continuous maintenance. Nothing new. I've been complaining a lot this past week because it's relentless. It seems that for the past while Paul has never had a day off filming that I am not working. G is with the girls during my work time. What that means for me is I am either working or parenting, and when it's done I sleep. Of course there is overlap between Paul and me for a few hours some evenings. During these times I find myself retreating...not even asking just disappearing to some corner of the house, or spending longer than I have to nursing Halle before putting her down, just so I don't have to go clean up the kitchen or tidy up the house. I also find myself retreating within more. Often when I'm not content, I get fiery, I fire up and make a change or demand one. This time it's more of a numbing feeling. I'm feel resigned. Not to worry - it is short lived. I will never live my life this way for long.

The thing I was looking forward slipped away (Costa Rica in July) and so I've taken work instead for both summer terms. Without this reward, this carrot it's harder to find motivation. I had also intended work on a graduate program in September. The M.Ed online program I had my sights on is convenient, fairly interesting, but does not really inspire me. So at the 11th hours - actually the 13th - I changed my mind. I've missed the deadlines for other programs and will have to postpone. I definitely want to do a master's that is more academic, more research based, more applicable to my work and so will apply for a M.Ed or M.A. in Curriculum Foundations at SFU and Curriculum and Pedagogy at UBC. The UBC program has a wider selection of courses delving more into the philosophies and the influence of social norms and paradigms on learning and teaching and pedagogy which all excite me, but the SFU program may be better adapted for a working mom. Doing a program with so much f2f and on-campus time will be challenging from Squamish so perhaps it's better I wait another year when the kids are older. I'm disappointed.

I will have to find something to get excited about. I'm sure I won't have a problem getting accepted but in the meantime to help keep me excited about life I may take some courses. Maybe Mandarin or brush up on some human biology courses (it would improve my teaching as well), definitely some more yoga workshops and maybe even work toward my instructor's certification. That I would enjoy.

At the Art Gallery today we saw some female Japanese drummers perform. It was wicked. Huge drums pounding from a prone position. I think that there is nothing I would rather do than that. I am like a shaken carbonated beverage sitting on the shelf. I need to be pointed in the right direction and then cracked open. I need to beat some drums. Maybe, to Paul's dismay I'll join a drumming circle!

One more thing. Last night I sighed and said "I guess I'll night wean Halle tonight. I better go to bed early". Halle still wakes and nurses sometimes frequently, sometimes not. Because I work quite a bit, I haven't really wanted to cut it out entirely. But now I'm feeling more ready. Most days I'm fine, but after nights of more frequent nursing I am tired. I have too much responsibility to be sleep deprived. So Paul (as I was hoping) suggested I sleep downstairs at least for part of the night. Hmmm....how nice to lie in bed and actually read a book with the bedside light on. I was asleep no later than 9:30, got up once to pee in the night and then was awoken by Paul at 6:30. Apparently, Halle (who now has a very nice "condo sized" crib in our room) had woken a few times, he did not respond at all, and she went back to sleep quickly. He thinks she realized I wasn't there. So it was a non-event last night. Maybe I'll ask if we can do it again tonight. I don't know if I'm ready to give it up all together though. What about the days I am out the door before she even wakes up. I guess I'll go to her and drain myself before I leave - get up a 10 minutes earlier. When Anneka night weaned she never went back. Through teething, sickness or anything else she may have been experiencing, she slept. She was Halle's age.

Snowflakes and Honey Days

2011-02-27T21:54:00.000-08:00

Storm after storm keeps hitting the coast. Not too long ago a thought about cleaning up the yard drifted through my mind, but winter is by no means over. The girls have been hit by another cold. Anneka is ever hardy and it barely affects her, but it has really set into little Halle. Anneka spent time outdoors today building a Snow Queen and running through the "trails" Paul shoveled. Halle wistfully watched the snow fall from the window and sucked on her honey jar! She sipped honey lemon tea from a bottle and napped a lot. I played with Paul's new cameral, then I got away for a skate ski at Callaghan. It was a more mellow and restful week as both Anneka and my schools were closed for PD/reading break - quite enjoyable. I'm ready for a couple more months of school and a bit more winter too!

Twice in One Day

2011-02-15T19:58:00.000-08:00

Twice in one day I felt my stomach sink and my pulse speed up.

First the voice said it was Whistler Mountain calling. That was on my way home from work and my first thought was "Paul". But someone had found my sun glasses at the Nordic site. Actually good news.

Secondly a knock on the door just after I put the kids to bed. A young man stood on the porch with that sun/windburned face, glowing teeth and eyes and wild hair of someone just getting back from the mountains. "Hi Emily" - he had a European accent and seemed slightly awkward. My thought - "pro-snowboarder...haven't met ... bad news..Paul". And then that sinking feeling. Just G's boyfriend picking up her phone she left here.

I don't like it, I don't like it at all. But I hear the truck pull up outside. All's well. Another day. Mostly I've ceased to worry. It's been too many years. So many nights past 9pm, even 10. Once in Pemby got the search party together and were about to head out when the truck pulled up.

It bothers me when things happen in pairs; it feels like a warning to complete the trilogy. I guess I'm superstitious. P just got in and told me it was one of the gnarliest drives home he's had on the coast - had to pull over multiple times. Maybe that's all it was about.

What a terrible, morbid post.

Our family dog just passed on, and I've been feeling very sad. Maybe it's all about that.

On a positive note: it's puking and I might have a chance to ski the hill tomorrow if Paul doesn't film. Yes!

And on the rest of the home front, all is well. Yesterday I took an hour off work and attended a three year old Valentine's Day tea at Anneka's school. I had a great time and enjoyed watching Anneka shining brightly with excitement and pride. Halle is inquisitive and adventurous. She pushes chairs up to counters and climbs up on them. I caught her with my toothbrush at the bathroom sink this evening - too cute.

Sleep has been less than perfect. Hal's nursing a few times a night and it's starting to get to me. Anymore than twice and I really notice. I don't like that either. I like to be productive and energetic. I'm so much better at everything when I'm well rested and much more patient.

Maybe night wean soonish....

One Year Old You!

2011-02-08T21:00:00.000-08:00

Halle

At one year old you are sick again with yet another very snotty cold
poor you
weepy red eyes, a little waif
your teeny nostrils in your teeny nose are very clogged
again.

At one year old you stand and groove
to Reggae beats,
without moving your feet,
much.
Hips rock, knees bounce, arms snake and head waggles
with a half grin on your face you feel the beats
and groove.

At one year old you can walk from Here to There
as long as There isn't too far away.
You are still growing into your walking legs
you waver but are getting
there

step

by

step.

At one year old you are telling stories
onomatopea gestures charades expressive
expression of likes and dislikes of feeling sudden anger
when what you want is taken away of feeling excitement
bubbling up through your entire little body bursting through at your nerve endings
your nadis aglow your spirit spilling forth lighting up your entire little being
sound expression chortles and squeals the final
culmination of this intense excitement
surprising us and
surprising
you.

At one year old you sit with a book on the floor under the lamp.
You hunch your back and shoulders and send your intention
with pleasure to the closed book
a hand on each side thumbs meeting in the middle and open the book
and look and exclaim
oh!
then close it thumbs meet a millimetre or two over and open the book
on a different page and exclaim
oh! Whoa!
Close Open Close Open, exclamations of pleasure
you entertain yourself in these ways
that are all you, all you, at one year old.

This poem has no end
there is no end of you, Halle, at one year old.
You entertain and astonish me in so many ways
with your good humour your huge heart
your sweetness and your Halle wisdom.

My only wish to be to stall time and sit with you and sit with you
sit with you
and learn from you and know you
At this time
At one year old

Halle, I am honored to be your mother
You too have given me the gift of love

Your Mama

Not THAT Little

2011-02-02T16:21:00.000-08:00

Halle Tierra

12 month Specs:

19.2 lbs (25th percentile)
74 cm (about 70th percentile - surprising)

Hmmm...we'll take it!

ONE

2011-02-02T10:43:00.000-08:00

My baby turns one on Friday! I can not believe it! I think this year has been the fastest of my life.

It has been a whirlwind, but a good one.

Over these past 3.5 years I have grown to love babies so much. I have become gaga for them.

Halle is one but doesn't really look it - she is such a little pip-squeak with her big owl eyes - or lemur-like as Gramma Rose once accurately described her. But I think her petite stature makes her so cute. I can fling her around - she weighs nothing. - and clings and climbs like a lemur too which makes her even easier to hold. She is definitely still a baby to me.

I have little fantasies about having another little baby girl. I'd call her Maude. But a boy would be nice too, I just know girls. Anyway, I can't go there. It's interesting though, that if a baby was in the plans, I would be ready now, and I wasn't ready until quite a bit later after having Anneka. I guess we become accustomed to being busy and can't imagine it any other way.

Halle will have her one year check up today. Friday is a long work day for me, so her party will be this Saturday.

So proud of little Halle!

Learning Limits

2011-01-21T20:35:00.000-08:00

I haven't been feeling as upbeat lately. This is exhausting. Paul's back so that's good, but aside from filming on decent days, Paul has editing work, and aside from instructing, my job comes with many meetings, course revisions, curriculum and program development, professional development, marking and today, a certain issue that has come up with a student that has been rather consuming.

Wednesday and Thursday I reserve to be with the girls all day before I head to work in the early evening on Thursday. Unfortunately many meetings get scheduled on Thursdays. I usually opt out with seems to have been accepted, but yesterday was one which needed me there. So, I took the girls! I think it was refreshing for everyone having them there although it made it a bit hard to get through my agenda item and a couple of my colleagues looked a little perplexed by my allowing Halle to eat off the floor (or was that my imagination?). Anneka was really excited to see where I work, check out the classrooms, ride the elevator and eat in the cafeteria afterward. Halle was feeling super social and crawling around and visiting people during the meeting and in the cafeteria. I was able to introduce them to a number of my students that also have little kids which was quite fun for me, and I hope I made a bit of a point about scheduling meetings on certain people's days off!! (A little side agenda!)

I guess the silver lining in all of this is that my family time is sacred and not to be wasted or wished away. But as I said before the lack of personal time is taking a toll.

On Wednesday I took the girls to the Callaghan Nordic Site again. It was a another beautiful day. This time I discovered my limits. I took Anneka's downhill skis and boots and the plastic sled and carried all this gear in the chariot. We stopped at the learning area, strapped on Anneka's boots and skiis and with Halle on my back practiced making "pizza" (snowplough) and "french fries" and tromping around. Mostly she was between my legs. I had some trouble getting her boots on her and getting Halle strapped on my back and although she enjoyed it, Halle did not. Then I put them in the sled and sent them down the little hill. That was much easier. I sent them down a bigger hill. They capsized and Halle rodeo rolled over and over about three or four times. She was really upset, I felt bad. It was too much work for me. It was mentally exhausting staying patient and upbeat and physically taxing.

Finally I went for a ski, but by that time the kids had finished there snacks and were ready to get inside out of their gear and have some lunch, so I had to cut it short. I felt a bit sorry for myself because what I really wanted was to go for a vigorous ski.

It is a nice lodge and even mid-week there are other mums and kids there so it is always a nice social time for me and the girls. We hang out on the couches by the fireplace and Halle gets to stretch her limbs. Aside from C, I have yet to see another parent, let alone mum, hauling two little kids around. I'm sure they exist but they are few and far between. So if I can't manage the ski-learning/sledding part as well, I don't feel so bad. With all this effort and activity you'd think I'd be losing weight ...but no. I don't understand; maybe it's a change in my metabolism.

Blog Addict

2011-01-11T20:40:00.000-08:00

I'm blogging a lot.

It's because I have no one to talk to. I tried to call an old friend and my mom by there's no one home. I was tempted to call a local friend to bring me a bottle of wine but that seemed pathetic. I could invite someone over to share it with me, but then I'd have to stay up later than 10 which is my bedtime. It has to be because I hate being tired and I have no relief. Ever. Day 8, going on 9, soon to be 10 and counting.

I do a lot during the day. I talk to tonnes of people: colleagues, students, G, the kids about all sorts of things. I'm talking most of the time, but I'm never debriefing. Well kind of - with Anneka. That's pretty funny. She's so funny and astute. Ms. Astrid thinks she is a very talented artist. I'm not bragging; she just is all this...and much more.

Debrief.

Rise at 5:45. Coffee, dress, marking, planning - check.
6:45 G arrives. Leave. Get another muffin and coffee for the road. Some CBC.
Work - check (enough said)
Arrive home 3:45
Kids fed, played with (doctor), bathed, teeth, Vit. D, cuddled, snuggled, tickled, kissed, read to, nursed, tucked in, asleep - check. (Halle is very snotty and has a bit of a fever. She's also a bit irritable.)
Kitchen cleaned, house tidied, floors swept, garbage out - check.
Overall energy left - good. Still going strong. Will drop dead asleep in 1.5 hours.
Mental alertness - just beginning to fade.
Physical body - could use a good workout followed by a yoga session.
Present motivation - nil.
Morale - could use some company and a glass of wine.

I'm on house arrest. Many nights over this last week, I've thought a glass of wine would be nice. This is probably the hardest thing about this solo gig - that glass of wine is right around the block, but may as well be in China.

Cold, Sunny Sunday

2011-01-09T21:55:00.000-08:00

Halle having breakfast before her big ski day stoked to be sitting at the big girl's table and eating toast with almond butter and jam.

Anneka stoked to be allowed to have a wrap with peanut butter and jam for breakfast IN THE LIVING ROOM and WATCHING A MOVIE ON THE IPOD while Mum gets geared up.

As soon as we woke, I knew we would be going skiing. No matter what. C adn the girls were up for it too. The first x-country ski of the year was hours of preparation, but finally it resulted in a great deal in a shared corporate pass which includes rental of the chariot. (Ummm...I also rear-ended someone as we were inching the last few hundred meters up the Callaghan because I was dealing on my cell phone. I felt horrible. It's all OK though. And, I'd rather not dwell on the bad.) It'll be much faster next time and there is no need to rush out and buy a ski attachment.

Finally we skiied. "Faster Mum, faster. You know why you fell Mum? Because you weren't doing a pizza. My Dad taught me how to ski. You have to do a pizza Mum. I want an icicle. Mum get me an icicle. I just saw a beautiful butterfly tree. Mum, did you know the Berenstein Bears live way up in a tree? I just saw a deer's house. Mum you're not going fast." And on, and on...It's great.

We left late after hanging and socializing in the lodge and ended up driving home in the dark. "The sun has it's blanket on. That's my star beside the moon. I see it everynight. Did you know the sun and the moon are friends?..." After a grocery shop for the week, putting the kids to bed, putting everything away and cleaning the kitchen, I would like to relax on the couch and read, but I know I should go to bed to have the energy for another full day. The girls are snoozing in our room again and I'll probably be joining them soon.

Ughhh, another divergent post.

2011-01-07T20:57:00.000-08:00

I'm not particularly happy with my last post. It was a bit of a manic moment at the end of a work day. I think there are so many thoughts floating around in my head as we embark on this new chapter of working mummy, absent daddy, and nanny. Thoughts about my kids and how they are adjusting, thoughts about specifics of work, larger thoughts about life in general, and thoughts about details of food, exercise, health.

I happen to be very lucky right now in my overall health (colds aside) and my ability to stay calm, take things as they come, and achieve rest. I cringe a little when I read my last post, because I know things can be really hard for mothers (and fathers) and I don't want to be flippant or unsympathetic to other mothers who may have many questions about how best to cope, especially when it comes to getting rest. I know, because I've been there.

When I had to substitute teach in the mornings when Anneka was quite young with Paul away, I would have trouble settling at night because I would worry about all I had to do to get us both out the door in the morning and still leave myself enough time to be prepared for class. I found it very difficult. It was these sorts of worries that caused me to lose sleep, more so than any sleep interruptions.

I am able to cope now, because I am well rested. When one isn't well rested, thinking can become confused and problems seem bigger than they are. I don't think much beyond the next hour these days, if that. I still plan for things, but then I try to let them go. I remain organized enough that I don't forget (most) obligations, dates and duties, but take one thing at a time. It is the only way I can do this.

My kiddos are both in my room again. Anneka was definitely showing signs of wear tonight. She really wanted me to play with her duplo with her before bedtime even though she was so tired. She was so tired that even the usual before-bed routine (bath, snack etc.) took an tiresome amount of time and a fair amount of tears. I know she just wanted mummy time, but the duplo was too much. I read them stories in bed told her a story about when I was little and then turned off the lights. Still, Anneka sobbed herself to sleep (I think it was inevitable). Thank goodness it is the weekend and I can really be present with my kids.

Halle literally screamed. That is so unlike Halle, but she just seems so full of energy these days and after waking up from a nap at five, probably wasn't ready to go to sleep. She did, however, in her cooperative way, lay herself down and wait for sleep to come. She is full of surprises. She's not really showing any signs of wear and tear, and it was her, more than Anneka, I was worried about. She seems so excited about life and so happy. Friends who have seen her about, have even reported this to me, and apparently at Strong Start today, she was a crowd pleaser and a social butterfly. Any stranger anxiety, or apprehension has seemed to melt away over these last few weeks. Because Anneka is quite strong, independent, outgoing and perceptive, and now the eldest child, I forget sometimes that she is only three and she really is my little buddy. It's a lot for her to adjust to.

The most challenging thing for me is going to be the lack of down-time. I need it, but when I'm not working I feel like I need to make up the lost time with my kids, so I find myself trying to do even more as a mother, and letting them stay up a little later just so we can hang out.

This week was atypical of what it will be like though. Additional work obligations in this first week required me to be there all five days and the kids were under someone else's care (mostly G but one day at a friends) for 39 hours! Wow, they have actually done amazingly well. And to add to the stress on their little lives, Daddy has been away. (Paul, Anneka is asking about you so much - she really misses you!).

Snapshot

2011-01-07T14:03:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a male coworker walk into your office while you are pumping breastmilk?

Halle and Anneka, oh dear, Halle and Anneka. I think you are doing fine. I'm sure it will get tough but we are off to a good start. It will be nice when Paul-Daddy is home.

I return home at 7:20pm after being away for 6 hours doing some pre-term prep and teaching my first class. I look quietly through the front window to see G and the girls sitting together on the couching reading and talking. Anneka is engaged, Halle is trying to climb over the side of the couch to get to the book shelf. I can hear her shrieking her excited shriek.

I open the door and Halle goes nuts giggling and squealing and dragging G who is holding her hands in my direction. She is all over me and can't get to the boob fast enough. Anneka is talking but is busy at the coffee table and doesn't look up. Halle is being too noisy for me to hear everything Anneka is saying, but I catch "Did you miss me, Mum?"

"I missed you so much, did you miss me?"

- "Yes."

"You missed me so much that you can't even be bothered to look up when I get home?"

She looks up and smiles her wicked smile. They are both in great spirits and although they are bathed, in PJ's and have been fed dinner, I can't get them to sleep until 8:30. Halle is full of beans, but is so obedient about going to sleep she lies down in the playpen beside our bed anyway. Anneka wants a snack.

"Where would you like to sleep?"

"In your bed."

"Oh, OK."

When I take Anneka in Halle stands up. I tuck Anneka in and lie Halle back down. "Don't talk to Halle" I tell Anneka. She doesn't and I walk out.

Anneka falls asleep SO quickly in our big comfy bed (even through Halle's attempts to get her attention) but Halle stands up and starts crying for her and me. I leave, go and eat and tidy up a bit in the kitchen (it's mostly been tidied). Halle cries for a bit before she lies herself back down. It doesn't bother me. She's there with Anneka, knows how to put herself to sleep, is in her familiar environment and I need to eat.

This is how we sleep when Paul's gone. We have a King sized bed and Anneka has taken to crawling into our bed in the middle of the night anyway. It may seem a regression. Anneka slept all night with no disturbances from 13months to 2 years 4 months in her own bed (and from 18 months without a pull up). One month before Halle was born, she started staking her territory.

Sleeping with and nursing Anneka during the night, although she was generally a fairly good sleeper, was harder for me the first time. I wanted her beside me, but I did not always fall back to sleep so easily, sometimes I would lie awake thinking. Although there would be periods of time when I would barely wake up, I would be deceiving myself by saying it was always so lovely sleeping together. I think this first time around, there would have been no perfect solution. It was just my adjustment to motherhood and my adjustment to sleep interruption and sleep deprevation, and some anxiety that these things manufactured. With Anneka next to me, was how I coped the best, but she certainly did not suffer from sleeping alone, she began getting really solid sleeps. In retrospect I would probably do things with Anneka the same way, I would just think about it less!

With Halle, you couldn't keep me awake. If neither she nor Anneka bug me all night long which does happen every once in a while, I sleep all night, uninterrupted. To wake up a 7 and realize it is your first wake-up is positively blissful. Even with the 1 - 3 night feedings Halle usually demands, I feel pretty good these days, as long as I put myself to bed early. I am actually lucky in that I have only experience low-grade sleep deprivation from time to time, this time around. I am lucky in that both my babies have been pretty good about sleeping a stretch of a decent length of time, (yes, there have been rough patches) and I am never awake thinking this second time around. It doesn't really bother me where any of us sleep as long as we sleep, and I seem to be able to sleep the sleep of a non-parent.

Halle started sleeping on her own accord in her own playpen bed since seven months. She stopped falling asleep at the breast, started sucking her blanket and I found she went back to sleep more quickly in her own bed. Unlike with Anneka, I've never felt any unease, either, about her sleeping separately. Until, I clear out some of Anneka's toys there is no option for Halle to move into Anneka's room either. So here we are in 2011, all in Mama's bed! I LOVE IT....but I don't think Paul will.

I justify this easiest option, but saying, "Hey look, Halle and Anneka have gotten used to going to bed at the same time in the same room!" It's true. They have, they do. They are sisters, going to bed together and sleeping together.

One day they will be sisters sleeping together in their own bedroom!!

How did this post turn out about sleep? All this said, and since I'm on sleep, I wonder when I'll night wean Halle. I just start thinking I might tackle it, when she goes and sleeps all night on her own, then I start hoping maybe she'll be a baby that does it on her own. I wouldn't put it past Halle. We can always hope!

Post Festivas

2011-01-03T13:18:00.000-08:00

Oh, I love my title, a double entendre. Am I clever? I feel clever - is that OK?

I feel very clever for having a wonderful "G" (that's she who cannot be named) or "helper", aka "nanny". Actually it is Paul who is clever for putting a simple ad on craigslist and finding her, not I who posted ads with nanny services describing a hypothetical "Nanny McPhee" or "Maria" thereby probably intimidating many good prospects.

G came today and is taking over three days/week as I transition to a 30 hour work week. We spent the morning going through routines, food and all sorts of details of the young people's lives while Anneka was at morning preschool and Halle was napping. Their lives are actually simple, as they should be. Luckily for G my children are dreamy - hehe. Well, Halle is a dream baby and they are both loaded with exuberance and personality. Where did they get it from - teehee?

Organization. Something I desire to have - so much that sometimes it runs my life. This day is about getting organized for the next chapter. Watch out! The next chapter will be a fast read, so action packed will it be. Paul will be in the Koots by tomorrow and then where? and then where? before he ends up in Norway and Mamma will be slogging away at the grind. Thank you G. I know you are going to be wonderful with the girls and we are all going to get along just great.

Yesterday was about blowing off all that needed to be reorganized after returning home from the holidays and about having fun! Man was I a B, I, T, C, H the day before. Why? Because even though Christmas was a bit of a rest with lots of other adults around and the cousins for playing and I went for a couple of runs and hikes, did yoga, visited friends and went to the pub, there were still kids to dress, feed, put to sleep and look after through it all. Yesterday I had a ski day. No, not a slog with kids in tow, a Whistler Mountain ski day with a good buddy! So fun! What a view. Man, Paul, you have pursued the dream. GOOD FOR YOU! xox

Photo Update

2010-12-05T21:47:00.000-08:00

It doesn't seem to matter how tired or grumpy the girls are, bath time is always full of laughter and quick retrievals of Halle who tends to find herself face down in the water at every bath. No, not because of Anneka - Anneka is quite vigilant. The other day she charged across the living room to stop Halle from throwing herself off the couch! Halle is always covered in bumps, bruises and scrapes. When will she give up?

These days Anneka isn't napping much. She's got too much work to do. Her pictures are quite interesting. They are often map like and sometimes from a bird's eye perspective or a combination. They are full of patterns and hieroglyphics and also real letters. Anneka can recognize the majority of the letters in the alphabet now and can print more than a dozen. She will print ANN and then usually asks for the order of the others. We don't actually work on it much - she'll learn when she learns - but she's obviously interested and when she's asks I'll help her.

Her imagination continues to blossom. The other day we were cuddling on the couch and she told me to close my eyes and then tell her what I saw. We took turns doing this over and over, adding on to one another's pictures and making up fantastical scenes. She is often singing. I think she has a really lovely voice and can effortlessly carry a tune. She makes up stories. She will often tell me she has a "secret story" to tell me "from her heart". Every night a bed time she asks Paul and/or I tell her a story "from our mouths". Usually the stories we tell her are from when we were little, but I am also beginning to dig up fairy tales and fables from my memory.

Halle is now 10 months old. More and more she is able to play with Anneka. They are really starting to laugh and be silly together. The last few mornings they have been rolling around on our bed together before they get up for the day. Halle just wants to be part of everything.

Physical skills still seem to be her biggest focus. Not that she's not developing in all other ways, she is, it's just that she is such an active little critter it's hard not to notice. At Anneka's gymnastics Paul said that during circle time when the kids were doing donkey kicks, Halle was right in there doing donkey kicks too! The teacher thought she was a child prodigy, but I know better - haha. Halle is right into everything. She "helped" Paul whenever she could when he was redoing the floors and wants to eat whatever we are. She gets so angry if I take away something she is playing with, so now I am sure to make an exchange instead. She is climbing on me and giving me kisses and when she really wants me she utters a string of mamamamamama. This afternoon when both girls must have had low blood sugar and Paul and I were cleaning the kitchen, unpacking groceries and making lunch, they were both loud and whiney. At one point the resounding sound was a symphony of whiney Mum and mamas and mummies. It was something else. Paul and I just looked at eachother and laughed - what else can you do?

Other news with Halle is she is teething pretty hard again. Her 8th little tooth just broke through and I think the eye teeth are annoying her. She was sleeping a long stretch that took her till sometime between 2-5 am, and then would go back to sleep until 7, but now she's back to waking up after 4 hours or so. I can really tell the difference in my overall energy when this happens. She is resettling easily so it's not bad, but the broken sleep has an impact. I've heard that some people who meditate heavily are good with 5 hours. That would be awesome. Imagine only needing 5 hours sleep!

The following shots are the Waldorf Hallowe'en in Paradise Valley (pre trick or treating), a fall day in Porteau Cove, and the evolution of the floors. Enjoy!

Space

2010-11-28T21:17:00.000-08:00

I was fortunate enough to spend much of this weekend at a yoga workshop. To describe the experience after I told Paul that it had a similar effect on me as our new bamboo floors have had on our house, in that as this floor "yokes" the areas of the house to create more flow and continuity and space within the same house. So if my body was the house the workshop was the floor that did some "yoking" or yoga within my own house. But there goes my mind running again, and now I don't want to ponder these thoughts I just want the waves to pass through and to keep the space and so at this moment that would make it impossible to keep writing. I will only write my intention for the time being and that is to make a daily practice of practicing tapas.

Mother Wind

2010-11-22T16:02:00.000-08:00

Mother Wind dost blow and howl cruel bitter cold through bones and homes. Everything is shaken. Everything is stirred - within and without - exciting tempest, uneasy seductrest. C'mon ye playful people, stir yer own pots. See what is brewing within. Exit air and ground ye soul.

The children are sleeping for minutes more. While the wind roughs up our outer home Paul and I shake up our interior. Literally. We have moved all living room furniture into the centre to begin tearing the ugly horrid wretched carpets from our living space. I have taken before pictures. Slowly our living space is being transformed. I forget that less than a year ago there was a central wall sectioning off a useless hallway and five doorways staring at me from where I sit in the kitchen. Now there is only a half wall partitioning off the kitchen from the living room.

Less than two weeks ago Paul and Dad put bamboo floors in our bedroom. So sweet. So clean, so crisp. Haha. Here we go. Shake it up. Out with the old, old, old!!! Enter chaos!

Bring it Winter Wind!!

Synergy

2010-11-03T21:38:00.000-07:00

NINE months OUTSIDE, NINE months INSIDE = Synergy!

You dressed as a mouse (small but mighty) for Hallowe'en, but you'll always be my Snuggle Bug, or Halle - go - balle to Anneka and the "cutest baby in history" to Daddy. You rock our world! We are IN LOVE!

You are a mini machine. You crawl and climb and pull up. When we hold your hands you walk - high stepping actually across the room. You cling to me like a koala bear when you are tired, bumped or bruised (which is often) or scared...I swear you could climb me like a tree trunk. When you were scared of me with my big yellow owl-eyes on All Hallow's Eve you clung sobbing to your Daddy who was much more cozy as "The Teddy Bear's Picnic". I later took you into Becky's bathroom and held you as I washed my make up off. I could feel all your contracted muscles begin to relax as the mama you know emerged. I just want to squish you to pieces and eat you up!

You're laugh is hilarious and comes so easily. You get so excited with your world of learning - for example, when you pull up on something new you look at me laughing your excited laugh and tensing your little muscles.

You're pretty easy to be around. You go to sleep easily on your own, you nap well, you enjoy exploring and don't need to be picked up as much, you're happy in sling, stroller or backpack, you love other babies and kids. Sometimes you shy away from adults and other times you engage and wave at many. Those are your waving days. You've also been attempting hand clapping and are in full babble mode. You're Daddy agrees with me that you are actually saying "Mama" directed at me. You understand so many things - when we call you for your bath you crawl full tilt laughing and cajoling into the bathroom.

On the flip side, you can get so angry. So many similarities to your sister - quick with your emotions - yet also so different. I hope I am right, but I think you two are going to be really good buddies. You both clearly are fun girls. The other day you and Anneka were playing cat and mouse and you were laughing and laughing, it was the best thing a Mummy could see!

Education

2010-10-25T22:28:00.000-07:00

Waldorf Education, University Education, My Education. I have a lot to think about lately. Right now, I thrive on thinking.

Meetings. Centered around "Student Success". I think a lot about what works for students and what doesn't, about different learners and about motivation. About why my students are where they are. I love meetings. I find myself talking a lot. Yes, I'm that annoying person. After a couple of years of house arrest I am stretching in all directions and it's hard to stop.

I think about my educational history from my sister teaching me reading and math before I was school aged to attending my Professional program in education. Ironically, it was that program that squelched my love of school. I found myself not really wanting to teach in public school and, although I loved elementary and middle school, recalling the abyss of highschool. I still haven't embraced the public school system, mostly instructing in alternative systems.

I love the job I have found myself in. I finally had my break and although it is a temporary position I will do whatever I can to retain it, including going back to school. Something I would like to do anyway. (Not to learn to write in complete sentences, I'm taking creative liberties and the phrases are intentional.) I think about a direction of study. I'm still considering the Master's in Adult Education and Global Change, but also graduate work in Biology. I would love to get right into the brain. Right into it's inner workings, into chemicals and receptors and brain plasticity and why some people stay calm, relaxed and happy and others slip into depression. I would love to live to 150 and go to medical school, perhaps deliver babies or get into cancer research, or just on to teaching undergraduate students.

Although it was fine for me, I consider the multiple reasons why the public school system didn't work for my students. It was fine for me but it could have been more. The light in Anneka (and in little Halle) are what is missing. I want those little lights to keep sparkling, I want that joy to keep shining through. I love that Anneka loves little things, that every rock is special or magical, a treasure to be admired if only for an hour. That we can't come back from a walk without bouquets of grasses, leaves, rocks and sticks. I love that she counts every mushroom in a cluster in a specific order, I love that she digests her world.

Watching Halle is even more fascinating. How she inspects the label on a blanket, how she turns bits of food she has scavenged from the floor over and over in her hand, inspecting and feeling. I want my girls to continue to digest their world, to take their time, to live and breath what they learn. To know it, to experience it. We are trying out Waldorf school - I just came from a parent meeting which is why this is on my mind. We are having a great experience with preschool and I am becoming more and more interested in the later years.

Fun-loving, humorous, imaginative, inquisitive, talented, creative and patient. We are having to hire a nanny for January - three days a week. I have been a bit sad at the prospect - sad that I won't be with my children for much of the weeks and that I will turn the most important job in my life over to someone else for a while - concerned about giving up some of the control of how they are raised, and sorry for myself about missing out. But, now I realize I can also look at it as an opportunity. My children have the opportunity to learn from someone else and be loved by another person. I have the opportunity to hire someone wonderful. To hire someone talented. Maybe someone that can play an instrument or sing or act or paint. Maybe someone that loves to tell stories or go on adventure walks. I am on a Quest to find a Waldorf-style nanny. He or She is out there, waiting to play with Anneka and Halle.

Romancing Shanghai

2010-10-01T21:32:00.000-07:00

In Shanghai I got up every weekday morning no later than 6:30 am. I rode my bike to work (5 minutes away), stopped on the way to grab a baozi shu tzai or two (steamed dumpling stuffed with greens) from a street stall and was at work at 7:00. I taught "Science" to middle school students all day, and then did planning. I planned all kinds of creative projects - my grade 8's made gigantic cells from all kinds of materials that covered the bulletin boards down the hall and cartooned meiosis, the grade 7's made delta's with sand and water, the grade 6's made somewhat proportionally accurate 3 dimensional topographic maps of real mountains out of salto - and then I brought my marking home (some days).

Some evenings before bed I would cycle all around the french concession or southeast of Hongqiao Lu toward Ikea, the stadium and the very Chinese area of hidden alleys and backstreet markets. The streets would be virtually deserted. I'd return home late to collapse into a deep sleep. I slept 7 or 7.5 hours a night, practiced Ashtanga yoga at a studio three times a week, and made multiple mixed CD's for my frequent runs around the Hongqiao neighbourhood. I could ascend into a head stand without bending my knees, scorpion in a shoulder stand and at a staff BBQ had a cartwheel race down the length of the soccer field with my soul-buddy collapsing in a pile of laughter at the end.

She and I would get into crazy wrestling and jumping on the bed matches in the early morning hours of the morning after a night out in Shangahi. These weekends were another story. I often hit the clubs with the other teaching staff, drank too much, and eventually climbed in the back of a taxi bound for Songyuan Lu where my roomy apartment and firm Chinese mattress awaited. That got old after a while. During the day, I explored the city by bicycle. I loved the clothing markets. I would find some unique items there, sometimes from European designers. I was just small enough to fit some of the cool stuff. Eating a diet predominantly of rice, greens and tofu, I probably looked skinny, but I felt great. Sometimes I cooked, but mostly I ate on Songyuan Lu at my local "diner" for about a $1.50. On the same street I'd have my hair dried and straightened for the same amount. I'd get massages from a young blind masseuse who intuitively knew what areas to work on.

That was five years ago. It was not the only time I have felt fit, healthy and energetic, but it is the one I keep remembering wistfully. Often I hear myself saying "what is wrong with me"? I have energetic days, "this is it!" days. Like today. Sitting in my office on the 3rd floor at Cap. U looking out at beautiful view of the water and the city after four hours of teaching I felt vital. Passing a cyclist cresting the summit of the hill at Lion's Bay, I thought "I could do that!" But then, a day or two later, I am tired again.

Why can't I lose this baby weight? Why can't I stick to eating well? Why can't I make exercise a regular part of my life? I guess the answer is obvious.

Still I wondered if it was more than sleep deprivation and the energy output required to maintain my life. Low iron? Vitamin deficiencies? Getting older? Ambivalence? Today was reassuring. Paul spent the night with Halle (who has been sleeping terribly this past week or more), bottle fed her, and I slept in our little hobbit hovel downstairs (where he has been sleeping this terrible week). I shut my eyes sometime shortly after 10, opened them at 6:15, remembered nothing in between, got up, pumped milk, got ready (all without even going upstairs), hit Zeph for a coffee, breakfast and lunch to go and was heading south on Hwy 99 by seven. With no children to cart around and take care of and at a job I enjoy I had a great day. I stopped at Park Royal on the way home, bought myself some new cloths in Aritzia (pants that fit because this time the weight is lingering and I might as well wear something I like) and now it's 9:30 and I haven't yawned once.

There's nothing wrong with me. I don't even think I would have been able to do all this that more energetically in my twenties. I will be an energetic person again. I will. Someday. One day I won't have to sleep in until 9 (or 10:30) to feel that way.

My story is over, but I have to say something for the record and in fairness to my better half. He is sleeping downstairs to get some rest (he's still a night owl though) and the trade off is he gets up with the kids (or I switch with him even earlier - 6am - oh the guilt) and I get a couple hours all to my self.

Zzzzzzzzz

Are We Human?

2010-09-23T13:17:00.000-07:00

So fun. Halle jumped through this album without stopping until dinner was ready.

Lately, Anneka is quite happy playing on her own. I have a window to her imagination as she talks through her play. She's often playing school with imaginary "friends" giving instructions and reading stories. I know it's important to still get involved in her play but it's also nice to be doing my housework alongside her "work". She often joins in the kitchen and helps out.

She's now going to our Waldorf preschool two mornings a week after being home full time all summer. I love this time of back-to-school, always have. It's sad to say good-bye to the freedom and warmth of summer, but it's also to get back to a bit more structure, routine and focused learning. Our little girl is starting preschool - new kids, new teacher, new space, new activities. I'm excited for her and it seems to be going really well. There is no guessing with Anneka, as she tells us all about it. Two little class mates are already close little buddies from the community - I hope they branch out from their little threesome. We wouldn't mind a bit more time, but from a developmental perspective three hours twice a week is about right for the kids. We have lots of playdates and gymnastics (of which Cerys is a part) to fill in the other time.

Halle is crawling really well now (there she goes into the kitchen). I keep trying to read her books but she is just too busy. She doesn't take time studying the pictures the way Anneka did. She goes from one to the other and then on to something else - grabbing, briefly studying, and then chucking before on to the next thing. The difference is quite interesting - she's only still when sleeping! She has been quite independent for the past couple of weeks, when she could really start getting to things. It seems like she may have started either teething again (she has four little teeth already) or going through some big developmental changes because she has suddenly become rather temperamental the last few days. Actually the change is quite dramatic. Three days ago I would have said she was so easy going and such a pleasure and now she's a little T-Rex. I'd like to start doing some more Halle-centred activities. She loves to be around other babies and has been completely into Baby Storytime at the library the two times I've made it. I hope to get her in a swim group and take advantage of the library group more often. Anneka's many play dates seem to take priority.

Meetings and organizing kept me really busy at the end of August, but now that classes are underway we have a schedule. I work at home on Thursdays and teach an evening math class, and then Biology classes all day in North Vancouver. Today we were so tired after Halle was up for much of the night. Paul looked after the girls and took them to Shannon Falls while I was in Van. I mustered up some energy and feel pretty good about how my classes went. I'm really enjoying getting reacquainted with Biology 12 and being back in the lab. I honestly think I am happier than if I were at home full time. Right now our situation is (almost) ideal as we don't need childcare. One of us is always with the kids. It will change come January, where if things go as planned we will need some help.

We spent an hour this evening watching the documentary "Babies" together on the laptop. Halle mostly crawled all over the three of us, but was interested anytime there was some babbling. Anneka had lots of questions. Babies are just so cute!

Collage Happy

2010-09-11T20:51:00.001-07:00

Halleballoo

2010-09-11T14:43:00.000-07:00

Halle - 6 months. Working on crawling.

It is no exaggeration, to say that you love the swing. If you haven't had enough you cry when I take you out, so I plunk you right back in.

Halle - 7 months. Making the first motions.

"Hey Halle! What's new with you?"

"What's that? You're seven months already!"

"Really? You're babbling and laughing and playing peekaboo? Wow, you're really one of the gang now! Keep on smiling and laughing, girl, you're doing great!"

Halle, Halle. My goodness, I do owe you an update. You are just a great kid. So sweet and lovely and quite an action girl. Yep, life is busy, but it's so fun with you in it. You are very good to us, and what's more, you're mostly interested in Anneka anyway. You get mad if she's having fun in the next room and I'm trying to dress you or change your diaper. You want to be near Anneka most of the time, unless you're tired then you want to nurse, cuddle and then suck your blankie to sleep! I love that, that you suck and gnaw on a fleece blanket to fall asleep. It makes it easy to put you to sleep, and you came up with that all on your own.

When you're happy to see us you squeal and make cat-like noises and wave your arms right in our faces. You do this equally to your dad and I. You've been hanging out with him so much I'd say he's as much in tune with you as I am, and you are pretty attached to him. That's pretty rare for a baby your age. You initiate peek-a-boo games with blankets and face cloths, and think it's just the best thing that you can hold a toy or cloth above your head with both hands. That's pretty good - you must have long arms to get around that baby head. You make "words" that sound a lot like "hi" and "ma" and "da".

You're creeping around the floor and getting on your hands and knees and rocking. Then you lunge forward to your tummy, then do it again, making your way along. You've done a little crawling by moving each hand then moving your knees as one unit. Soon you'll be really mobile, and then you can get into ALL of Anneka's toys and games.

You still do mostly quite well in the sleep department. Of course it's never as good as I'd like it - no sleeping all night long. You still go down quite easily and take long naps: three a day but I think you're moving to two. It makes more sense for you since you usually sleep at least 1.5 hours during a nap. Suddenly you're sleeping in your own bed - the playpen beside our bed. It happened relatively quickly. You started chewing your blanket to sleep in there and then usually sleep for a pretty good stretch 4-8 hours. Then the nursing gets more frequent and you often end up in the bed. When you sleep long, like 6 - 8 hours it almost makes it harder because you don't settle so well again. I find sometimes the only way to get you to re-settle then is to leave you to squirm, fuss, squawk and sometimes full-out cry in the play-pen. Otherwise, it's just nonsense in our bed.

You are ridiculously sweet and cute. Enough said!

Well, not quite. Another thing you love is the bath. Everybody says that about their kid, right? But you really do. You love it. Again, you often cry when taken out. I'd say there were times, probably about 5 months, when you were an outright maniac in the bath. You would splash and kick so hard sending water all over Anneka. She, unlike you, despises getting water in her eyes. She's the first to admit it. She also isn't reluctant in commenting how brave you are as she pores cups full of water over your head. You have to be watched very closely in the bath, because you lunge forward, headfirst into the water.

OK, so no baby can be perfect. You don't like having your diaper changed, or a poopy diaper. No big surprise there. The other day you slept for only 7 or 8 hours in a 24 hour period! Amazing. You were pretty sensitive that day. No surprise there either.

Birthday Bash Photos

2010-09-11T14:34:00.001-07:00

Hil and Mil: two turquoise cuties

The "bash" in Anneka's Birthday.

Last, but in on way least, the presents!

And it's all over for another year.

Thanks Becky for the photo collage tips....

And now for Becky's grand collage:

Three is a Magic Number

2010-09-04T21:43:00.000-07:00

Three is a magical age and our little girl is three. There is so much emotional turbulence in me when I think of my little girl growing up. I feel joy for the enthusiasm and curiosity of a young developing mind and the imagination it sparks within me. I feel deep aches of nostalgia for my own childhood and the vulnerability of children. I feel spurts of adrenalin generated by a passing fear of the unknown future and that which I can not control for my child, and excitement at the possibilities of a life unfolding. I am stepping back more often to let Anneka forge ahead and then we join in hugs and kisses galore. I adore her and right now I am adored and this I want to hold forever. I want to hold my little girl forever and although she is only three, she is now three and older, and so am I.

Anneka, I am yours and I give you myself. At the same time this turning of three frees up some of my time that you previously needed. In doing so it allows me to nourish myself in many ways and I feel a rebirth of facets of my life that were inactive. A concrete example of this is the sharpening of my mind through study and work. I feel oxygen rushing to my brain as I read academic material and my mind lighting up as I discuss all aspects of education with colleagues. Being with you girls makes me a good mommy, but a balance makes me a happier, more interesting and creative mommy and a more present mommy when I'm there. Anneka right now you have enough of me, but I feel a pang sometimes for Halle and wish to spend more time with her than I am currently able. I know things will settle down a bit once school is underway and hopefully it'll only be hard a couple of days a week.

You're third birthday is over and it was a success. It was so anticipated by you. I think you and your friends had fun. Throwing a party is a lot of work. Being so occupied during the party, it is a bit hard to judge how it is received and keep track of all the guests and their needs. You requested a caterpillar cake that included cupcakes with candles in the cupcakes, a pinata, lollipops, candy and bubbles. You got it all! You were involved in the cake design and making the pinata. Dad did the crepes. Gramma and Granpa O. came the night before and helped out. The best part for me was making the pinata with you and Daddy just before you went to bed. It was a fun craft project born out of my unwillingness to buy a commercial dollar store cardboard pinata.

Happy Birthday! Let's enjoy the next 363 days until you're four!!! xox

Links to some party pics: Bubbly

Elle & Kris Visit

2010-08-02T10:41:00.000-07:00

Two Glasses of Wine

2010-07-28T22:15:00.000-07:00

In one week Halle will be 6 months. It's time for an update on life at 6 months post partum with child #2.

Over all we're doing well. The day after the second of the two babies arrived I suddenly felt super tired and extremely grouchy. It was kind of a release like when you get sick after you finish writing all of your exams, or after you've finished your last report card. Your body doesn't need to hold out any longer. I was relieved that both babies and mums were healthy and also that Paul had wrapped everything up before he was to leave. But therein lies the crux of the matter. Paul gone, for three weeks. It hit me hard that it would be all me and there would be no rest before he left - for him or me.

Day one I was still tired and grouchy but we had supper over at Caroline, Stu, Cerys and baby Ffion's house. That helped except both Anneka and Cerys were CRAZY and fought like fiends and played like lunatics. They are both quite strong personalities and are like siblings with one another.

Last night I was asleep a little earlier - 10 - and so felt a little less tired this morning. I thought my friends were coming today and so organized the editing/liveing room and cleaned downstairs and broke down boxes and stacked ply wood and boards left over from building projects, shop vacuumed everywhere, and generally got the place in decent shape. Our old fixer-up house is endless work.

It turns out they aren't arriving until tomorrow so I am ahead of the game. After lunch Anneka and Halle both went down for a two hour nap and I passed out for an hour on the couch. I felt and feel much better now. I played outside with the girls, made supper on the BBQ, ate on the deck and then we went for a walk.

Halle is generally doing great, but she has presented us with a couple of challenges in the past couple of week and I'm sure it's the lead up to that 6 month developmental leap. She has gone easily to others and been passed around a lot as a baby but just recently she makes strange and clings to me like a little koala bear. Daddy is OK, she clings to him too...I hope she doesn't forget him. Also, for a week her naps were really off and it was impossible to get her to sleep before ten. She's getting a little better in that department. Part of what is making me a bit more tired is that I stay up late and Halle wakes up at 5 or 6 for almost an hour before she goes back to sleep. I am then woken again by Anneka at about 7:30. I also seem to need a lot of sleep these days. During this wakeful period Halle rolls around all over the bed having a great time. She sometimes ends up completely turned around at the food of the bed - that babe can move!

Halle has been quite an easy baby and even these more turbulent times with her aren't bad. I think Anneka trained me well. Anneka was and is, a spirited child. Both girls were/are very smiley babies that clearly love to laugh and have fun. But Anneka as a baby also had a temper and a will and a huge desire to experience the world ... I don't know how many times I can recall people including strangers commenting on her bossy behaviour, even as a 6 month old. On the flip side strangers all over were dazzled by her smile and charmed by her antics. She never wanted to miss out on anything and was/is a very bright little girl. Halle is also a charmer and eager to learn, but is a bit more easy going.

Both my babies had a great need to suck to sooth (Halle less so) and so I used a soother. I really didn't like the soother and weaned Anneka at 6 months. She was then able to put herself to sleep without it. Although she now will crawl into bed with me to cuddle at any opportunity, as a baby and toddler she was quite an independent sleeper. When tired she would never rest her head on my shoulder and relax into sleep. She would push herself away and fight it all the way.

Halle likes to be close and I have made no effort to move her out of our bed. She easily relaxes into me when tired and is a super snuggler. She nursed to sleep easily and seemed to have less fondness for the soother and more for her fingers. With the onset of teething and the recent difficulty falling asleep at night she has suddenly developed a real want of the soother at bed times. I just don't worry about these things with Halle. I'll lie her down on the bed or in her playpen with the soother and her favourite blanket, go read to Anneka, come back and she'll often be asleep. If it's what works for her now, so be it.

These days Halle really likes to sit and play. She pulls toys out of the basket and rocks forward on her bum. She reaches as far as she can in front of her and leans onto her heals. She also throws her arms over her head and squeals. She loves to stand and steps one foot in front of the other. She wants nothing more then to have me prop her against things so she can stand. She sometimes squeals and lunges for her jolly jumper.

For the past month she's eaten little bits of avocado, sweet potato and banana, but not regularly. Today I steamed, pureed and froze some orange sweet potato as she is really wanting to be fed and I guess I should start doing it more regularly. I think I will wait a couple of weeks before I make her brown rice or quinoa porridge. I grind the whole grains and they can be hard to digest until at least six months.

Anneka is, even more than usual, full of beans. She is cracking me and others up. At Charlotte's yesterday she was the only one who wasn't tired and grouchy. She hammed it up in the living room, kissed everybody good bye on the legs, ankles and feet, announced to the room that I needed to go get Halle from Gramma, give Gramma a kiss on the cheek and tell her that I would see her later and then go. She made a chipmunk face and gave chipmunk kisses.

And so with a chipmunk kiss I am signing off. Staying up this late, I am sure to be tired tomorrow!

Three Cheers...

2010-07-26T09:33:00.000-07:00

For Little Girls! Hip Hip Hooray for Birth and Babies! Two more baby girls to add to the clan. Two amazing births and two amazing women. Lucky me to be part of it.

Caroline had her baby at 3:30 am Wednesday at Lion's Gate (smoo

th and fast labour and delivery - her second) and Charlotte at 9:10 pm yesterday. Charlotte had a water birth in her living room with many of the UBC Salmo Court neighbourhood girls coming in to visit her with Amelia. Halle and I spent from about 1:30pm until the baby was born with Charlotte and Jesse and my mom was there from about 4pm. The midwife arrived at 5pm. Amelia played with her neighbour friends and got ready for bed at their place, but came back home shortly before the baby was born. She didn't want to be in the room while her mom was pushing the baby out but stood leaning out her bedroom window shouting "My mom is pushing the baby out!" into the courtyard. It was awesome.

Victoria, Amelia and Javiera with the cake they made for the baby.

Waiting

2010-07-14T15:26:00.000-07:00

For the past couple of weeks I've been "at home" with the girls. Paul has been working on various projects often from the house. There is more of a rhythm to the day - to theirs and mine. Sometimes I need to get out of town and we head to Stanley Park or to visit with Char and Amelia (last Sunday was Amelia's party), or with the better weather, we have been going to Alice Lake. If we have no plans, we often run into someone on our walks. There are certainly no shortage of kids to hang out with and fortunately, there are some pretty cool moms out there. There are great walks around here, the library and of course many coffee shops. I also try to accomplish thing around the house usually with little success.

We'll do this for a couple of more weeks and then spend a week or two in Victoria. Paul will be away in Chile at that time filming (lucky bastard!). I'm feeling a bit sleepy these days as I can't seem to get more than 3 hours sleep at a stretch and it would be nice to have the grandparents around so I can sleep in or nap! Halle is waking more frequently and lately hasn't been settling again as quickly. She'll sometimes sleep longer than three hours at the beginning of the night, but she's asleep around 8 and I'm not ready for bed.

I'm enjoying the girls having a bit of a routine. Halle naps three times a day and Anneka has an afternoon nap. Anneka has gotten really good at putting herself to sleep for a nap again - she was getting run down and getting infections - bladder, ear, eye then cold sores on her tonque - and I asked the doctor to tell her that the best medicine was sleep! I call bedtime for both of them 8 o'clock, but we often don't have them in bed until a bit later. However, I'm not against blowing off the routine and spending the whole day at the lake if we're having a good time.

So there's a rhythm and we're waiting. Well I'm waiting: waiting for Charlotte and Caroline to have their babies (due Sunday and Monday, respectively). I'd love to be 39 weeks and waiting for signs of labour and I'd love to give birth again. I won't though. But I can be excited for them. I am on call to look after both Amelia and Cerys. Charlotte may have Amelia attend some of the birth depending on how things go. Caroline has now asked me if I'd like to attend her birth instead of look after Cerys and of course I would. Last night on the phone when I realized she was building up to ask me, I got really giddy. I am totally honored and completely into it! We'll see how things unfold and how the story goes. How exciting...two little babes on the way, so much love to share!

Do You Like to Party? YES!

2010-07-10T17:05:00.000-07:00

What fun: two birthday parties at Alice Lake in one day on opposite sides of the lake. Cerys turned three and Ciahni turned four. Anneka, Halle and I set up "camp" at Cerys' (Paul was filming again today) and stroller walked to Ciahni's then back - circumnavigating the lake. It really was a great day. Having "slept in" until eight, Anneka was in a stellar mood and has been going strong all day. Now she is chillin' watching Sesame Street. It's interesting with Anneka - sometimes she can act a bit shy and hold my hand and stick close and other times she joins right in with kids she doesn't know, talks a lot and initiates and organizes play. The former behaviour is usually when she doesn't know any kids and adults predominate. I was surprised by her yesterday at a potluck/clothing swap and today at both birthday parties at her self assuredness, exuberance and confidence. Most of the kids were new to her and older, yet she seemed extremely comfortable and completely herself. She is beginning to explore further and further away from me, so I am having to watch her carefully.

Halle also had a great day. She is just so freakin' cute and is growing up so fast. She loves the other kids and all the activity and gets about as involved as a babe of five months can. I hope Stu got some good pictures of her. She is sitting well and played with the sand in the shallow water. Of course fist fulls went into her mouth and lake water too! One of our public health nurses was there so feeling a bit lax about my parenting I checked in with her. She didn't think it was a problem. I grew up a naked rolly polly dirty babe in Swaziland and I think this freedom is now part of my psyche.

All went well until the last 20 minutes when Halle pooped the dish clothh I had her bum wrapped in (I brought everything but the kitchen sink and diapers) and was screaming as I carried her across the grass to wash her bum. It was quite a scene. Halle seems so chill and happy and then she lets it fly - it makes everyone scramble to her rescue. Someone brought over a diaper as I was trying to squish her mini bum into an even smaller rag. Phew, it was one of those moments where you think to yourself "how did I get here?" Once I carried only the weight of my backpack and now I am that woman who truly has her hands full that I watched from the sidelines with a bit of amusement but mostly indifference."

Haha - Life! Grand isn't it?

Vocare

2010-07-02T21:03:00.000-07:00

At 4pm last friday, the afternoon we were to leave on our trip to Vernon I sat down to have my first bite to eat since 9am that day. I'd arrived at work at 9:30am for my last class of the term expecting to leave a few hours later. Instead I stumpled out of the building at 3pm, delirious from not having eaten and totally frustrated. Due to a a stupid mistake entering final grades made by skimming and rushing I had created a whole lot of extra paper work for myself. Finally I left determining it could wait until we returned and took The Exploder into Crappy Tire for an oil change. This is when I arrived at "The Cup" and read my weekly horoscope in The Pique.

Now there was some advice that was worth following. I'dbeen thinking of our jaunt to Vernon as a trip and a visit with Paul's side of the family but it hadn't occured to me that it might be a vacation. Vacation, from the Latin "vocare" - to empty - or in English to vacate, was actually what it was - a vacation from our lives and an emptying of any building tension. Paul had also been extremely busy dealing with footage, editing and all kinds of things and was staying up late nights to get it done. If you'd asked me if I was stressed I'd have said I was busy and felt a bit burned out, but not stressed. HOWEVER, I was waking up with a headache everyday and my teeth actually hurt from clenching them so bad in my sleep! I actually bought a mouth-guard but thanks to our little vacation, I haven't had to use it yet. The clenching problem went away as soon as we got to Vernon and there was nothing, NOTHING that had to get done! Ahhh, sweet relaxation...

We arrived a little after 2am on Saturday snuck into Edie and Howard's new downstairs suite and resettled the little ones. Poor Halle was at the end of her rope being in her carseat. Anneka was up at 6 wanting to see Grandma and Halle was awake then too. We kept her busy until 7, then Halle, Paul and I slept in until almost 11. That day, the girls slept a lot (Anneka took a three hour nap) and we rested. Overall we caught up on sleep and rest, ate delicious food prepared by Edie, Howard and Kim, went to the lake and got to hang out with Graham for the first time in three years. It was a very fun visit - what a great and talented family! Here our some pictures from our Vernon Vacation.

I am looking forward to devoting the rest of the summer to summery things and spending even more time with Halle and Anneka. It surprised me how much even teach two classes divided my time.

Something to Celebrate

2010-06-24T22:46:00.000-07:00

Halle the One-toothed Pirate

We just spent a very busy and fun afternoon/evening at an old friend of mine's house. She's recently moved here and I just ran into her by chance a couple of months ago. Then we kept winding up in the same places, for example, at the Health Centre getting our babies vaccinated. Anyway, we have lots to chat about and with her hubby away she's very busy. She has a three and a half year old and fraternal twin babes two months younger than Halle. Add my two to the mix, play, dinner and bath and you have a lot of multi-tasking and tag-teaming! At one point bouncing a winging Halle and chatting it suddenly occurred to us both that maybe she just wanted to be put down! I sat her on the couch and bent down to have a chat with her. She squealed and flashed me a smile and there it was: a shiny white tooth tip glinting at me! We all rejoiced. Anneka and her friend were marching around the kitchen island singing "Hooray, Hooray, Halle's got her first tooth!" I was so excited for Halle and we all made a big deal about it. It seemed as if Halle knew it was all about her and as if she'd been trying to show me it all afternoon. It was very celebratory.

I no longer am questioning giving her Tylenol two evenings in a row and in the middle of the night last night! She really was teething!

PS. And Anneka, my friend who we'll just call A, commented on your joyous soul. Your love of life shines on!

Anneka the Baseball Star

Really Grown-up Now

2010-06-24T12:32:00.000-07:00

Well the couches look great! They feel great too! How nice to sink into a couch after a long day. You can also lie completely stretched out and the micro suede feels so soft. LUXURIOUS! I can't believe we tolerated our crappy futon ex-bed couch for so long.

Buying a couch has always been a symbol of "growing up" or putting down roots in my mind. I guess I'm finally grown-up! The world holds all types and there is room for us late-bloomers too...if you want to see it that way.

We can also escape downstairs to our other identical couch and watch stuff on the big computer monitor. Last night after getting both kids to sleep by 8 and Paul still out working, I was alone with no glass of wine and no movies downloaded or new episodes of anything. I was wanting to unwind. There was my neglected novel but what I really felt like doing was stretching out with a remote control in my hand. I might even be inspired to fold laundry from my position on the couch. It's been so long since I've had TV and then only when Paul, Ian and I lived together. I'd like it (tucked away in a cabinet) for the purpose of relaxation. Maybe.

Oh life changes and it is for the best but I do reminisce about those times. A great friend of Paul's (probably his best friend) and mine too, Whitey (Ian) got married last weekend. Anneka went off to Tofino with Gramma Rose, Char and Amelia and Halle came with us to the wedding in Duncan. Paul was the best man. It was a beautiful and very fun wedding. There were some people to catch up with and some newbies to meet. Although I left earlier with Halle, Paul arrived at the motel at 8am. I think it was great for him to catch up on old times and skiing adventures and a bottle of scotch. He gave such a perfect speech that was widely enjoyed. It was funny, interesting and from the heart. I felt very proud of him. When he rehearsed it for me, tears came to my eyes. If I'd let myself go there I think I would have been sobbing. It made me feel very sentimental about life, love, friendship, loyalty and growing up.

I did pick up my novel - Nikolski - and it was as enjoyable as ever. It too about the ebbs and flows of life; the events that lead to seemingly-destined convergences. I'm looking forward to finding out how it ends.

Low

2010-06-16T22:16:00.000-07:00

I felt really low yesterday, which made me realize I've been on a bit of a high ever since I landed my current job. That has revitalized me professionally and personally and was really the start of a lucky streak. Then I was blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and daily have been rediscovering the beauty of sisters, motherhood and a full family life.

Admittedly there was a bit of me that felt like I couldn't fail at anything. Sure I had wee meltdowns, grumpy times, and new mother irritability, but overall I've felt HAPPY and on top of my game.

Then yesterday I got a blow. I thought I had nailed an interview and would likely be chosen to teach a different course in a different department. I'm usually sensitive to underlying ripples or nuances when things are a little "off", not quite right, something is going on behind the scenes, someone isn't who they make out to be, there is an underlying current of something..animosity, pretension, tension, insecurity, awkwardness, sadness..something. But I left the interview feeling confident and pleased. Did I miss something?

"Could you tell me where my shortcomings were please?"
Long pause...
"You could have tightened up your lesson."
"OK"
"Just tightened it up".
"Anything specific?"
"It could have been more age-appropriate, more business appropriate. There was some arguing back and forth and it was interactive so it wasn't a total disaster".

...NOT A TOTAL DISASTER?? What? This is the feedback I get for a lesson I thought long and hard about. It's not something I just coughed up on a tissue. OK, I felt like crap. Surprised and confused, yes, and disappointed, of course.

I could have gone with a more conventional lesson, but I chose to do something hands on and experiential. I took a risk, but it was a calculated one. Knowing my students would be mostly returning from school after a long hiatus and maybe felt some trepidation, I chose to reflect this in my lesson, by making it fun, accessible, common place, relevant and - hopefully - memorable. My teaching of the mathematical nuts and bolts was explained concisely (it's what I do) and it's application (to mixing and taste testing OJ) hands-on. Calories were calculated and a grocery shopping applications were made all using ratios (the topic). Yes it wasn't strong in the business aspect - that I could agree on, but not age-appropriate, a total disaster? My grown-up panelists were laughing and having fun with the lesson, I swear. Was I on drugs, was I not perceiving the room as it was? A philosophical aspect of my profession was being challenged.

So the next day, my usual enthusiasm for work somewhat paled, I sought more feedback. Afterall "there was some arguing back and forth" (ie. there was some discussion and disagreement) and "needed to be tightened up" (ie....needed more flow? needed to be more consise/coherent? ??) does not describe the language of an overly-eloquent individual.

The feedback I got from another panelist has given me some closure. My interview was very strong and that in her opinion I was one of the strongest candidates. A stronger business background would have helped me, and she would like the chance to work with me in the future. Short, sweet, simple. Thank you.

That is all that needed to be said. I can be at peace with this experience. I won't stop trying to make math fun. It is. And I won't stop putting what I think is my best foot forward.

Truly Tough

2010-06-11T12:42:00.000-07:00

This is tough. I'm making it and I think I'm doing a pretty good job of it, but I couldn't and wouldn't want to keep it up. Paul has been away since last Saturday and will be coming home on Monday. There is only so much of Mom to go around and the kids need more. I also need some down time and a chance to nap or sleep in. In the early morning hours Anneka is joining Halle and I and I am sleeping like a sardine. They're lovely, but I'm getting tired. Last night I dreamt that I had to climb a gentle hill and I just could no longer make my legs move one in front of another. They were just so damn heavy. It is just one of those things, we didn't have any choice but to get through. My mom who is always willing to help is away in Montreal, and my sister in Vancouver is 8 months pregnant, working full time, and caring for her 5 year old with her husband away.

I'm at work and just about to head home. I really should stay as there is so much I need to get on top of, but my kids need me too. Sithra is lovely and I'm glad she is with them and it would be nice to keep her as a constant in their young lives.

We've made it through the week. At least I can check out (sort of) from the classroom/office until Paul is back. I've been catching up on work email and tasks at about 10pm after the kids are asleep and I've cleaned up from the day - kitchen, laundry, general maintenance. Every second of every day I am performing a task. (Except for now, when I am giving myself a few minutes to check out from must-dos and spew from my mom-brain which is really becoming backwards brain as everything I am doing, saying or writing is coming out backwards. It is kind of funny but not when you divide 42 and it comes out 24 instead of 21 and you're writing it on the blackboard. Thank goodness my students are funny themselves...but I digress)

Following "Deceptively Delicious" have managed to recently sneak cauliflower (well not sneak as Anneka made them with me) into scrambled eggs and muffins, which she ate but I mostly ate so at least I got a good dose of Vitamin C. Just thought I'd throw that in.

Bought two couches and two living room chairs found on Craigslist in Squamish for 900 bucks. Practically new, really nice microsuede. Killer deal. Only need one couch but such a damn good deal, what the heck. These are the kind of decisions made when one lacks time to weigh pros and cons. Con: How the hell am I going to get them home? Guess we are now furnishing the unfinished downstairs suite as well as our unfinished upstairs suite we currently live in. Wow, we're a mess!

MAMA MIA!

2010-05-26T14:30:00.000-07:00

Big Sigh! I had an interview this morning with some of the big wigs at Capilano University - not the blood-less ones - but the ones whose hands my fate lies in. Well, not exactly. They can just decide whether I get a certain instructional position in the fall...in addition to my current position.

I prepared well, bought new clothes (mostly because none of my work pants fit me....yet), and gave it a good shot. Paul took on the night time parenting so I could have a goodnight sleep. I feel pretty good about how it went and had a little fun with the teaching segment. I'm just glad it's over!

I'm eager to devote more of my time to parenting than I have in the past week and I'm glad I'm not working the load I had thought I would be at the time. Already things feel super busy and our time has really been divided lately. I think Anneka is suffering a bit because of it. She doesn't seem to be sleeping enough and I'm sure it's the reason. She doesn't complain about it, but we can see it in her behaviour and her current sleep problem. Every night it comes to a complete meltdown before Anneka falls asleep and by then it is usually after nine. She isn't napping and isn't sleeping in and I'm sure it is catching up to her. Also she's gotten up in the night some nights.

She says she doesn't want to sleep and does not like bed time. It may just come to us tightening up the routine around bedtime and ignoring her many demands. Maybe we'll have to let those tears of frustration come earlier. In conjunction, I'd like to be putting in more quality time with her so she feels secure in her world. I don't think I've lost the connection with her, but my parenting has slipped.

The BIG INTERVIEW is over Anneka, I am yours!

Cinnamon Girl

2010-05-24T21:47:00.000-07:00

She's just so damn cute, funny, bratty and lovely!

Snuggle Bug Update

2010-05-24T20:56:00.000-07:00

I'm always a little, or a lot, behind these days.

A little behind on the garden. A lot behind on the baby books. Always behind in the house work. Behind on my course preparations, but ON TIME with my marking! Way behind in my fitness goals, and of course, behind with this blog

Ah, who cares really! Not I! However, I would like about 5 more hours in every day and 10 in every night! If there was more time, I'd write about Anneka and her development as a 2 going on 3 year old, or I'd like to make comparisons about adjusting to a baby a second time around, or I'd really like to do a side by side photo presentation of Anneka and Halle at the same ages. But what I'll do this time, is devote a little time for a Snuggle Bug Update.

Little Halle Bug is now 15 weeks. She is truly a gem - well of course I think that. With Halle, as with Anneka, there were some nights in the first couple of months, I thought "Oh, no, I think she might be a colicky baby!" Well, she just had some collicky nights; in reflection, and now that they are seemingly "way" in the past, it is clear she was, and is, a pretty content baby.

I have made zero effort to move her into a routine of any sort, and although there is still none, perhaps a greater consistency is emerging. These days she is usually down for the night around 8:30. Some nights that means she will not wake again for 3-4 hours, and others, she'll need to be resettled a few times before I turn in around 10 or 10:30. As mentioned previously, her sleep hasn't been as good as it was in the first couple of months. For a while there, she would sleep 5 - almost 7 hours before waking up to nurse. These days 4 seems to be the max, but most nights she is settling after nursing quite well. Still, I can't really seem to shake this fatique. Even on those days where I feel energized, as soon as I stop doing stuff, I feel like laying down and having a snooze. What's up?

Back to the routine. A nice thing about Halle, is she doesn't usually get up for the day until after 8. That, I appreciate. If Paul gets up with Anneka that usually means I can sneak in a bit more sleep, which seems to make a huge difference. (Why does this keep going back to me???)

Naps are a little more erratic and so is nursing. In fact, I have no idea what her nursing routine is since I don't really pay attention and large chunks of some days she is being bottle fed expressed breast milk. She usually falls asleep while being carried or while nursing. Her naps can be any where from 20 minutes to 2+ hours. Some days she may have 4 or 5 shorter naps and some days she may have only two really long naps. More often than not, she seems to have one longish naps and a couple of medium length naps and maybe a cat-nap here or there. Between naps she is up anywhere from a bit more than an hour to three or four on the rare occasion. Usually she is up for just under two.

Now here's the fun part. What does she do while awake? She coos and "chats" a lot. She can really get on a role, barely letting anyone get a word in. She is very into squealing and shrieking. She has the sweetest, goofiest smile which makes me giggle every time, and she uses it a lot. Her little nose gets all scrunched up, but it's hard to get a picture of due to her balking at the damn flash!

She hangs out for LONG periods of time in the jolly jumper and on her mats, and shorter lengths of times in her bouncy chair and exersaucer. She has been hanging out on blankets in the shade while I garden. She pushes up straight on her long, skinny legs and holds her back and neck so straight, waving her arms about. She is getting really good at reaching and grabbing objects. But her greatest trick (drum roll, please) is rolling over. For a month or so she has been toppling over from her front to her back on occasion, but in the last couple of weeks she has been purposely rolling over from her back to her front. She is to the point where she just goes for it as soon as you put her on her back and can roll in either direction. Very precocious indeed, miss Halle!

the Scoop on Sleep

2010-05-05T13:27:00.000-07:00

OK. you can't have a newborn and not blog about sleep right, accept if things are going well, then you don't dare blog about it for fear of jinxing it. Too late I divulged to much on the phone to a friend: it's JINXED!

The word is out - for the first three months Halle has been a great little sleeper. No, no all nighters, but she's nurse once or twice in a 10 - 12 hour period and otherwise, just sleep. Well, maybe the first few weeks she nursed a little more. There were a couple of nights that were a bit restless. She's been a good napper too on most days and falls asleep easily.

More often than not I have felt well rested - more so than the latter part of pregnancy. I've even been cranking up the dance tunes and gettin' down with the girls! (So much fun to see Anneka shake her little booty and Halle all grins in her jolly jumper!)

But today my eyes sting a little. And yesterday even more. The last four nights have reminded me what baby sleep CAN be like. Not that she's been crying or anything. Last night was somewhat better, but the previous three she was waking often.

Paul has offered to do a night with her solo, while I sleep in the spare room downstairs. He offered last night and I backed out at the last minute. I like our room and our bed; and I like sleeping with Halle. What if they had a terrible night; then I'd feel terrible for both of them and Paul would be grumpy which I hate.

He's offered again tonight, and maybe I'll take him up on him. I have stock-piled milk and am buoyed be the fact that everyone thinks Halle is so 'chill'. She hasn't really been freaked out by others looking after her and bottles and spends lots of time (hours and hours) in Paul's care and he is fantastic with her (and Anneka too.) (I don't think many Dads take their newborn and toddler to Vancouver to see the sites without Mum, or make there little girl flapping birds and butterflies and teach her all about how things work.)

Should I do it...I'll have to do a mid-night pump session. Maybe!

The Girls

2010-04-28T09:09:00.001-07:00

Booby

2010-04-27T15:36:00.000-07:00

Halle took the bottle no problem. From anyone it seems.

We'll have to keep at it so she doesn't change her mind. I bought a gently used double electra Medela pump off of Craig's list a few weeks back. The thing works like a damn. It stretches my breasts and nipples Madonna erotica style, which I'm sure I'll pay the price for, but fills those bottles in minutes.

Halle's a good nurser just like her sister. She got the hang of it right away, and again, I experienced no pain. Only a little engorgement this time as well. Just like with birthing a second time, the body seems more efficient at producing milk the second time. She's actually not a huge nurser and falls asleep on the boob amazingly quickly. Any time she begins to fuss from tiredness I stick her on the boob (sometimes she doesn't even latch) and she's out. It's her greatest skill!

Anyway, the reason for this intro was to say, the pump isn't as vital to us as it once was. I lost 3 out of 5 of my classes due to cutbacks to our ABE program. I found out last week and was a bit disappointed. The bright side is I get to spend more time with the girls and for Halle that's pretty important. The two classes that remain are here in Squamish, so no commuting for me. We'll be OK, but it's a bit unnerving, because Paul also lost his spring/summer work. I make a salary + EI benefits and Paul will be able to collect EI as well, so we'll survive. We are looking at it all as a blessing. For 2/3 of the year Paul slaves away under hydro lines for a good wage, but at a big expense. It is wrecking his body and he can't do it forever. This gives him the opportunity to focus on the film in which his prospects have been slowly broadening.

It also has forced me to take a look at my career path and the opportunities that it presents. I've decided it's time to get a Master's, especially as I would like to stay in the post-secondary setting, and so will hopefully embark on an online masters of Education in Adult Learning and Global Change through UBC. It sounds pretty interesting and my cohort would include students from universities in Sweden, South Africa and Australia. I also intend to brush up on my secondary science courses, so as to be able to teach the ABE science as well. That should keep me busy.

It all probably means that we will have to postpone our addition. Instead we are planning on connecting the upper and lower suites with an enclosed external staircase and using the bottom unit as a temporary solution. We definitely need more space!!

Spring Into Things

2010-04-27T10:36:00.001-07:00

Anneka said she needed her own umbrella. She was right. It is sure raining a lot. As they say "April showers ......".

The showers keep Paul from his "work". But it's not always raining and when it's not, here's where you'll find Paul. The grass isn't the only thing that's green!!

Halle and I made it to Callaghan one day with our wonderful friends Caroline and Cerys. That was fun, but x-country skiing is not the same rush...but bailing on some sketchy snow on a steep hill with a one month old, does give a bit of a rush, so I made sure to do that! I have a Whistler pass I'd better use soon and get my rush!

Anneka is a fabulous big sister. There have been very few incidences that have caused me to worry. Mostly she loves Halle and Halle is so entertained by her. There have been some memory-making moments with Halle and Anneka laughing and smiling at each other. Halle loves the bath and the girls are bathing together most nights which is where a lot of the giggles happen. Here's an early bath when Mom still felt it necessary to get in there too.

There have been a couple of trips to the aquarium and to West Van to visit with Char and Amelia, but mostly we've been hanging in Squamish. We are kind of forced to by the fact that our second vehicle has been out of commission for some time - that's quite a story - bloody dealerships. But in some ways it makes things easier and my house stays relatively clean, laundry gets done, people get fed, and the garden is coming a long. Here's some Nexen beach time (an easy walk from out house) with Finnley and Elizabeth.

Halle is still a content baby and I mostly feel great. Ninety percent of the time she lets me get plenty of sleep. She still seems quite focused on the physical stuff, pushing herself to standing most of the time and throwing herself towards objects of interest. She has also become very smiley and is chattering, calling to us, and interrupting conversations.

It really is a lot of fun, and so much easier the second time. I'm much more relaxed, less anxious and have experienced no post-partum blues or depression. I just feel so positive about are family and are so happy to have made the decision to have a second. Let love, hope and acceptance continue to be my guide....and pass this on to Paul too, not just the girls, because any angst I have, and it does come, especially on those nights Paul is gone until late, I pass in his direction.

So, let me pass my love and acceptance on to Paul. We Heart Paul!

Eight Weeks Young

2010-04-10T18:13:00.000-07:00

Hello Little Aquarian

2010-04-06T09:59:00.000-07:00

Halle Tierra

Halle loves to snuggle and cuddle
Halle loves to wriggle and squirm
Halle's smiles are sweet and goofy
Halle's body is long and wiry
Halle's features are fine and feminine
Halle is a lovely baby
She fits right in, she is home and we are in love with her.

Practicing Acceptance

2010-03-29T10:56:00.000-07:00

I often talk about how strong-willed Anneka is. I guess it has to come from some where. Maybe she's inherited it from me: I can be stubborn and I have a temper too.

Yesterday was not a good day. I was very tired after what seemed like a million night disturbances - well not a million, but too many for me. I was friggin' tired and that's when that temper of mine becomes very hard to suppress. And the nature of Paul's work means that sometimes he is home a lot and spends lots of time with the kids, but other times he's mostly gone and I have to run the whole program...without a car...sigh. ANYWAY, bitching aside, I kept going outside to breath fresh air and walked away from the situation on numerous occasion. Still...

Anneka and I butted heads all day long. She was tired too. She went to bed at 10 and got up at 7. Ridiculous. The problem is the nap piece. She's been making it very clear to me that she doesn't want it - most days. Then when she has it it's often after 2pm when she falls asleep and I reluctantly wake her at 4. I've still been pushing the nap because I want it! Yesterday I just took it as a given. She'd sle hour late nap the night before, and was also very tired and grumpy. Two peas in a pod butting heads. Yesterday I was not very accepting. But last night, after both babes were asleep I stepped back from the situation and thought about it realistically.

The situation was nap. Even though she was very tired she did not want to, and did not, nap. I insisted, she refused, for a long time. Finally, I dropped her off at my friends because she, and sleep deprivation, were making me crazy.

A Tale of Two Births

2010-03-17T21:25:00.000-07:00

While both my beautiful girls are sleeping, I am going to try to write this epic tale.

Doctor Martin said to me that one's second or third birth experience often resolves anything left undone from the first. She told me this after Halle's birth and, for me, it rings true. Another thing is that while Anneka's birth stayed with me for a long time, Halle's is fading fast.

After Anneka's birth, Paul was charged. He kissed me, almost in tears and told me I was a hero, powerful and beautiful. But I didn't feel like a hero: I felt a little defective; as he said, like my body had let me down. Later on, at home, my midwife asked me how I felt about my birth experience and tears came to my eyes. There was something unresolved. I settled with the experience as best I could, but felt a bit of confusion when I thought back to it. I feel I made the right decisions under the circumstances but never knew what would happen if only I could have just waited. But I hung onto the things about the birth that I was truly proud of, and now I know I have a a lot to be proud of, as does every woman whose birth doesn't proceed as she would have wished. To every birth there is a story.

I had wanted a midwife and a home birth for Anneka. I wanted to do everything as naturally as possible. I was prepared. I did perennial massage and we took a private hypnobirthing course. I read. I prepared our home. I decorated the bathroom with beach rocks and selected beautiful music. I had expectations - too many.

For a few days before Anneka was born I had prelabour symptoms. Contractions would come during the night and I was not able to get a good night's sleep. But I stared at the full moon, dreamed and painted and wrote to the little child inside me. I was ripe with emotion. I didn't know what active labour felt like so I focused on what was going on with my body and every sign of ensuing labour. I called my midwife and told her what was going on. She said it didn't sound like real labour and was unusual for first time moms. She said this sort of thing was more common with women who had already had a couple of pregnancies. This was the first thing that made me feel odd. After telling Doctor Martin the story of my first labour, she told me, that I would probably not have as much pre-labour and that labour would progress more quickly the second time; this was a common pattern. It doesn't matter who was right, what matters is that Dr. Martin made me feel normal.

Then an unexpected thing happened. My water broke. There was merconium in the water, which meant we had to go to the hospital. Although my midwife still did not believe I was in real labour, I was six centimeters dilated by the time we got there. After two hours of being there and mild contractions I did not dilate sooner. This is when she dropped the old "we expect about one centimeter per hour bomb". Sure Amy had delivered four babies in the previous five days and was dead tired, but could she not have been a bit more patient and supportive? If that were true, no one who delivers vaginally would have a labour longer than 10 hours. Again, she made me feel as if my body weren't working properly. In a over crowded hospital, with an antsy midwife and obstetrician, I consented to augmentation with pitocin. I was tired, concerned about my baby, being to believe that my labour was unusual and wanted to get on with things. Anneka was born, extremely quickly there after. I now know how intense contractions are (no relief) when a labour is augmented. I also now know I would have delivered Anneka just fine with no pitocin sooner or later. I'm proud at how I handled the situation, and that I stayed focused with no pain treatment of any kind through extremely strong contractions.

Halle's birth resolved it all. I expected another start/stop labour with only mild to moderate contractions for a long time, before, hopefully, I would transition without aid. I had few expectations, and ignored any signs of pre labour or early labour. Braxton Hicks that took on a rhythm, I ignored. There was less menstrual-like pain. Halle was due February 9th. I didn't discuss the possibility of having her early, or any warning signs. I did nothing to try urge labour along.

On February 3rd, Anneka in daycare, I took the day off work, realizing I may not have another chance for a day to myself. I bused as close as I could get to a massage practitioner to use up my coupon while still pregnant. I was well rested, and energetic. I walked as quickly as I could the remaining distance (about 20 minutes) to make it on time. I had a beautiful, relaxing massage. Then I ran/walked back to make the bus on time and then picked Anneka up from daycare. Paul made some Indian Food for dinner. It was delicious and spicy. I had a glass of wine. Anneka went to bed.

At 9pm I was lying on the couch reading, having some strong Braxton Hicks. At 10 I stared getting ready for bed. I couldn't get to sleep because of strong but irregular contractions. At 11 I suggested Paul sleep on the couch so I didn't disturb him, thinking these contractions would end eventually. Paul helped me make myself comfortable with the exercise ball, the sheepskin, a candle, water and some music in the bedroom, then went out for a short sleep on the couch. I listened to Deva Premal and Shamanic Dream, and leaned over the ball with every contraction - kneeling on the sheepskin, putting myself into a trance. Sometimes a walked around the room and rocked against the wall. I felt calm. I was unaware of passing time.

At midnight I started timing contractions. They were about four minutes apart and lasting 45 seconds. At one, I woke Paul up. He sat on the bed, rubbed my shoulders between contractions and timed them. He figured they were lasting a minute or more. He felt we should call Elizabeth to come over for Anneka and consider leaving. I held off for another hour, then during a strong contraction walked to the bathroom and sat with tremendous discomfort on the toilet. I gave myself an internal exam. I was surprised that the first thing I felt was a huge balloon of water hanging over my cervix. I managed to find my cervix and feel a line of an opening along the edge of the balloon. It was long - really long. I felt an enormous pressure and like I wanted to push.

Elizabeth came over quickly and Paul called my doula, Erin, to meet us at the hospital. We got there at 2:30. I stood in the door between the admitting room and the registration desk flanked by Paul and Erin. The admitting nurse came over to us and looked at me oddly. "Are you in labour dear?" She said. "Yes, I think so!" I said. She said I didn't look too uncomfortable and I told her my first labour was much longer and maybe it was too soon for me to be there. As she was registering me, I had to walk away to focus through the next contraction. She decided that maybe I was pretty uncomfortable after all. In that short time between arriving and being escorted to a room to wait for Dr. Martin, contractions amplified and became more frequent and the pressure was tremendous. I couldn't sit, and felt like I could push the baby out with each one. We were left alone in the room. Paul went to tell the nurse I wanted someone to check me now. Out talked to myself aloud, assuring myself this was the way it was supposed to feel. Erin massaged my back. The nurse checked me than got the doctor on duty. He checked me and confirmed that I was fully dilated and that we were just waiting for Dr. Martin!

I walked on my toes to the delivery room. There was no way I could sit. I was extremely uncomfortable and excited too. I crawled up onto all fours on the delivery table - the most comfortable position for me. It seemed like everyone was stalling. Finally I heard Dr. Martin's voice telling me she was there and I could start pushing any time. She showed me how to lean my body over the back of the bed and then told me to bring my hips to my heels when I pushed. I did. She named the parts of Halle's face as they appeared which motivated me to push out her whole head. Then I took a break for a few minutes. Then with the second push out came the rest of her.

Dr. Martin ran two red lights, arrived at 3:15 and at 3:36 Halle was born - about an hour after we met outside the hospital. The rest was great. Dr. Martin passed Halle between my legs so I could see her right away. She was squirmy and purple. I was overjoyed to see my little girl - close to tears. Paul cut the chord. Dr. Martin conducted everything so smoothly. She gave me a couple of stitches where Halle's shoulder had torn me. Halle was wide eyed and almost silent. She let out a few short cries, wriggled around and then went back to sleep until 7am.

Two things are interesting. One being that Halle, a baby who turned over into the breech position at least twice up until the last week before her birth, is very wriggly and still, occasionally, will end up on her tummy when placed on her back. Last night I lay her on her back and she immediately flipped onto her tummy. I picked her up and she flipped out of my hands and thumped a foot down onto the floor. She was upset, but OK.

The second is how she responds to the sound I used in labour. As of late she has often been really fussy late in the evening. If I put my mouth close to her ear and make the sound I use in labour, she quiets almost immediately. It is a sound I make back in my throat that carries a lot of vibration. I wonder if she remembers it? The other night, as I was listening to Deva Premal in the darkened living room, rocking Halle and "singing" in her ear, it felt as if I were back in the birth, leaning over the ball in my bedroom.

I am beginning to remember so many details, writing this. Maybe I'll write some more later so I don't lose them, but for now this is enough. If I were to allow myself to imagine an amazing birth experience, I would not have even come up with one as beautiful and exciting as this. This time around I could have easily birthed at home, but under the circumstances, the Squamish hospital was the right choice. We were the only ones there and so got the best room with an amazing view of the chief. I mean we were the ONLY ones there, not the only ones birthing. This birth has allowed me to fully embrace the first. And now I love it. I love Anneka's birth; every bit of it. It has helped to make me who I am and helped me to prepare for the second the right way. Everything about having children is teaching me to be accepting. Accepting of them and all that they are, accepting of me and all that I am, and accepting of life.

Tomorrow night, at Halle's fussiest time, I am going to take her to Sanskrit chanting and see if it has the same effect as my birth "song" has on her. She's been invited!

(And I have Helga Beer to thank for the song.)

Where Have I Been?

2010-03-10T11:54:00.000-08:00

More than a month...

Wanting to write lots about everything. Happy. Things going well. Tired - sometimes.

Halle's Birth: tremendous. Unexpectedly quick. About 5 hours from start to finish. Very powerful, very smooth, very joyous. Completely uncomplicated.

Halle: Beautiful. Long. Squirmy. Growing. Sleeping a lot. Pooing. Seeing and listening. Quite content with her world. Nice.

Anneka: Funny and cute. Caring and kissing. Never stops talking. Never stops asking and pushing boundaries. Ever persistent. Ever strong minded. Busy and jubilant, contrary and crying. Accepting, accepting and welcoming her baby sister.

Me and Paul. Even busier but pleased. Very pleased with our girls.

My goal. To get and stay in shape, to smile but be honest.

Cutting the Chord

2010-02-09T15:20:00.000-08:00

Purple Angel - born Feb. 4 at 3:36am

Paul got to cut the chord.
It was beautiful.
Perfect.
Especially Halle - 8 lbs, 4 oz; almost 56cm; healthy baby.
Blessed.

MY Day

2010-02-03T09:43:00.000-08:00

I've decided to take a day for me - yay me! I have until 4pm when I have to go pick up Anneka from "school", so I better not waste my time. I feel really good today. I'm still putting in some work hours for work for which I was pre-paid. I have about 10 hours left, but they can wait. They can wait until after the baby is born if necessary. I think I should have some time for me...there may not be another opportunity.

All the forms and paperwork for my maternity benefits are in, so I don't have to worry about that. I've officially been offered and accepted a 75% work load at Capilano University for the summer term (May/June), split between Squamish and North Vancouver Campuses. I will be commuting three days a week, but only one day will be a full 8 hour day, including the hour commute on each end. My days in Squamish will be less than 3. I'm trying to convince myself I can handle this with a 3 month old! I can, because Paul will be taking parental leave for those two short months. I think it will be good for the whole family. We talked about it months ago and it was what we both wanted at the time. We've signed up for it, so we'll carry through!

I think while I was working so much, I let a lot slide with Anneka: rythyms, routines and rules. Also, I think we were encouraging her to be a big girl too much, giving too many choices and giving in too easily. She is strong-willed so it can be challenging, but I've noticed that once we stand our ground (and are consistent with our rules) and let those tears of futility fall, she begins to push less. I've been reading about boundaries and using "No" appropriately, setting limits and removing consequences. These are things that I think I did a lot of intuitively and probably most parents do, until we succumb to other influences, and more than anything, until we become too busy and stretched too thin, to discipline ourselves properly.

Now, I should get out there and enjoy myself before this baby comes! I wonder when that will be?

Getting Close

2010-01-31T10:23:00.000-08:00

Like a good patient, I went to my appointment at Lion's Gate on Friday. I'd never been there before, but I thought it was pretty nice - better than Victoria General where Anneka was born. I also met Dr. Scally - a very nice, warm man - who basically told me he hoped he didn't have to see me again! The appointment confirmed what I already knew; the baby was vertex again (and has been since Tuesday afternoon). Funny thing is, for me, it's way easier to have the baby breech. The pressure on my pelvis, cervix and bladder is released and I sleep long and deep. Now the frequent middle of the night bathroom trips have returned (and actually worsened) and I'm not as rested. Still, not too bad for almost 39 weeks.

Another focus this past week have been discipline practices for Anneka. I went to a parenting workshop at the Waldorf school and got a lot of good information and strategies. We've noticed an improvement in just the last few days. More about that later.

The Drama Continues...

2010-01-26T09:58:00.000-08:00

Yep...baby is now breech. Good Lord! The baby is obviously not staying put. I have an appointment with Dr. Scully, an obstetrician at Lion's Gate hospital, on Friday. He'll chart the baby's position at that time, do a non-stress test, and if necessary attempt an external inversion. He thinks there is a good chance the baby will do a half summersault again. He also says I'm a good candidate for a breech delivery as long as the baby is frank breech or full breech, as I've already had an uncomplicated vaginal delivery of a fairly large baby with no tearing. This would mean delivering in Vancouver which is fine with me.

I love that this baby is so feisty, but it is causing us a bit of additional stress. I think Paul worries more than me that something could go drastically wrong. If during labour a foot or a knee presents itself instead of a head or a bum, I'll have to have an emergency Cesarean. But, I'm thinking this is the least likely situation. What can you do but hope for the best, and be prepared for the worst.

Against the Odds

2010-01-25T12:19:00.001-08:00

What to call a baby who is still doing summersaults at 38 weeks. Saturday night after a busy dinner party in our 800 square feet of living space - drinking adults, wild kids - the little wild child inside me decided to flip over again. There was a tremendous struggle going on inside - so much so that I stayed up late monitoring the baby making sure I could still feel the occasional small movement after it had settled down.

A pre-natal appointment with my doc. (who I've decided is awesome) confirmed this, and off I go for another ultrasound this afternoon.

The odds of this happening are 1/97 at this stage.

Preparations

2010-01-21T14:11:00.001-08:00

The time is coming soon. I met with my birth doula yesterday for the first time. She is freshly trained through the weekend long course at Douglas College. A weekend is not a lot of time to learn about birth, especially if you've never experienced or witnessed one before, but I really like Erin so I asked her to be a companion. She's my pre-natal yoga instructor. I feel honored that mine will be the first birth she witnesses and she feels honored that I asked her. Her back up doula is also a friend of a friend, whose company I really enjoy. If Paul is filming in the back country they'll both attend me. I've had offers from people to look after Anneka, so Paul and I have said we will sit down and finalize plans for various scenarios. We will call my mom and she will come as soon as possible and stay in the basement spare room for a couple of weeks.

My Dad is visiting this weekend and bringing their old fridge (they've just built a new kitchen), dishwasher and cabinets that the go over the fridge. He is also bringing some tools to do some finishing work left over from when Paul removed the wall and closet. I've got a nice cradle set up by our bed, borrowed from a friend. It's hand-made, wooden and swings. I wonder how much the baby will sleep in it, and I'm really glad we have a king-sized bed this time around. I've got a really cute white cradle set up in Anneka's room also borrowed from a friend. Right now all her stuffed animals are in it (finally a place to store them) but she says the baby can sleep in her room! I'm sure when the baby's crying a midnight, she won't appreciate that! "Anneka, can you get up and tend to the baby please, Mommy and Daddy are sleeping!"

Other than that, the baby has a changing pad on top of the change table/dresser in our room, and two drawers in that dresser. I'm working on clearing out another drawer. We have clothes, towels and sheets in pull out cloth containers under our bed. It's tight, but it's cozy and organized! We also have an infant car seat and bouncy chair. What more do you need, really....oh and a few sleepers and clothes to get started before we know the gender.

I'm beginning to get excited (and scared). This is beginning to feel real. Now, I think Anneka is asleep and I should get started cleaning the kitchen and preparing dinner for friends. Is it too late in the day to make and set a cheesecake?

False Alarm

2010-01-20T13:19:00.000-08:00

There was nothing to worry about. The baby is head way down, back on my left, bum up and legs kicking at my right side. Not posterior, not anterior, just setting up nicely. Measurements, which can be off by 1.5 lbs in either direction, indicate the baby weighs 7 lbs, 13 ounces. That's the 95th percentile for 37 weeks! This is not a small baby, this baby has a good little belly and very chubby cheeks. Paul made it to the appointment and it turned out to be pretty sweet and reassuring. I'm glad Dr. Wood was prudent, it has put my mind at ease.

Clarification

2010-01-19T09:28:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if anyone reads this, but if anyone does, I really hope I didn't offend in my last post. The main reason I don't want a cesarean is because I'm a bit scared of surgery and I know the recovery can be much more challenging. Of course the main thing I want is a healthy baby and if that requires a c-section then so be it. Every birth is beautiful in its own way.

Too Soon to Worry

2010-01-18T15:29:00.000-08:00

Instead of going into work as I usually do on Mondays, I just spent a very enjoyable hour and half at the pool. Unfortunately, I was there on Dr's orders. Dr. Wood filled in for Dr. Martin today. I really liked her. She's not so sure this baby is head down; she thinks it might be a bit transverse, maybe even with a little shoulder down in my pelvis. Not good. I KNOW that a breech baby can be delivered vaginally, but a transverse one can not. I knew the baby's little head was floating somewhere around my ribs last week.

Still, I'm not sure Dr. Wood is right. I suspect the head might actually be down in my pelvis. Tomorrow's ultrasound will tell. An auxilliary reason for the ultrasound, is that I've gained very little weight this past month and none at all in the past two weeks. I got large very quickly but have observed a real slow down in the last couple of months. I felt almost as big at 30 weeks, as I do now at 37. The baby's fundal height measures 35cm's which is OK for 37 weeks. I guess we'll see tomorrow, and if there is a problem with the baby's position, I'll find out what actions I can take - other than swimming and floating.

I think everything will be OK. I really don't want a c-section, and I am really looking forward to giving birth again. One good thing that has come out of this is that I got to go to the pool without a toddler, swim laps and float. That is definitely something I'd like to keep doing in these last few weeks and after the baby is born.

For the Love of Boob

2010-01-11T09:41:00.000-08:00

This "post the colour of your bra" talk bouncing around facebook and links between prolongued breastfeeding and reduced risk of breast cancer, makes me think of my experience breastfeeding Anneka, and makes me wonder what type of a nurser this new baby will be.

I'd say Anneka was a moderate nurser, or a nurser of extremes, depending on how you look at it. Often she didn't want to nurse at all, and other times it was all she wanted; which could average to moderate. In the end, that is approaching her second birthday, she was moderate in the true sense of the word.

She was not a calm babe. When she was very little she would get very upset some evenings, and calming with the boob just didn't work. Swaddling, bouncing and a soother did. Although often a great tool, I couldn't always rely on nursing to put her to sleep. When she was very little she would look around a room, seemingly tracking people, and seemingly preferring this to tucking into mama. As the months wore on, she became more and more distracted; to the point where she would go all day without feeding if we were out and about. My commitment and vision of nursing in public was not as easy to fulfill as I thought. I would take her into public washrooms, but she'd just look around, and try to grab the toilet paper. When visiting in Victoria, I took to dropping in on various friends, just so I could lay in a bedroom with her and try get her to nurse. She was the same with napping when we were out an about. I worried a lot about her getting enough sustenance and getting enough sleep.

On the other hand, she liked to nurse a bunch of times during the night, more and more as she approached her first birthday. Shortly after her first birthday, at the urging of a friend, we decided to try night weaning her (so hopefully both her and I, and Paul too, would sleep better); we thought we would give it a stab. That's how I discovered that Anneka was actually a very good sleeper but had just formed a habit or association with nursing during the lighter stages of her sleep. It was nothing; she could totally handle it. We were lucky, I guess. Were we? For the next year or so, I heard so many moms complain about still nursing their older babies through the night and not getting a good nights sleep, and I couldn't help but wonder if it was necessary. Breast milk is important for growth and development, but so is sleep. This idea was reinforced, when on the morning after first sleeping straight through the night, Anneka gave up crawling completely and only walked, with a big grin on her face.

I wonder how the next baby will be in the night department? Maybe I'll find out why some children night nurse way beyond their first birthdays, or even their second birthdays; probably! Oh well, oh boy!

In Anneka's second year, she went from nursing many, many times during the day (one of those extreme phases) to only nursing morning, noon and evenings. That started with me offering her other options and slowly consolodating those many feeds until by 18 months we were down to the three. I was perfectly happy with this situation. But more and more, Anneka would forget about nursing in the morning, or someone else would be putting her to bed, and the nursing really tapered off. And when she was 21 months I became pregnant. Nursing wasn't so pleasant for me anymore, and she seemed to like it less too. I think she must have been about 22 months, when one evening we were having a not-too-pleasant nursing session, interrupted by some talking, and I said something to the effect that maybe nursing wasn't really working for us anymore and maybe she'd like an apple or a cup of milk. She said she would. And that was it. Unceremonious.

I wasn't mourning nursing, because I was going to have another little precious, helpless thing to nourish with my body, but I was worried about losing the intimacy with Anneka. She wasn't much of a cuddler and it was a time when she'd let me hold her close and cradle her in my arms. To my surprise and total pleasure, the opposite has been true. She became more physically affectionate, giving kisses to me all over my face and burrying her head in my hair. Maybe she needed to keep the intimacy too, and has only grown more and more cuddly. It's so lovely. When she's really ready to get down to business and go to sleep though, she'll always push you away, telling you, point-blank, to "move over" or "go away"! Gotta love her!

So we didn't make it until two, but we came close. I'm satisfied that she's received the lion's share of the good, healthy benefits nursing brings, and, honestly, there is no way I want to go back. I like where we've arrived.

I think so much depends on the child and on the mother and how they are experiencing the world. My mom, who doesn't worry about much and was a 'zen' kind of a mom, in that she just did what seemed easiest, had four different experiences with four different children. I don't know all the details, and I don't even think she really remembers, but I nursed well into my third year (two and something), while my younger sister, to my mom's complete surprise, weaned herself completely shortly after she was a year. She was a very busy little girl and a deep sleeper; maybe that's why?

So I wonder what this next little adventure and this next little person will bring? Of course, I'm different now too. I do know that I am committed to nursing, but I also know, that at a certain point, I'm gonna want and need my nighttime sleep.

And Then There Was Quiet

2010-01-09T11:19:00.000-08:00

Cerys and Anneka on the ferry returning from Victoria.

Deep breath in, deep breath out. Alone in my house. Alone, in a relatively clean and tidy house. A wall and a closet have been removed - thank you Paul, my love - and there is more space to BREATH...deeply. The lights all work. The Christmas tree and decorations, cozy as they were, have been taken down, introducing a freshness, simplicity, calm.

Thirty six weeks since my last menstrual cycle. Thirty four weeks from conception. Tired, sleepy, lethargic - needing to slow down in this last month.

November and December were hugely busy months for us. Paul started filming and went on a trip, which brings equipment maintenance, planning and a new physical challenge for him. This, along with house renos, and evening parenting kept him on the go from morning until bed. Thanks to my friends for helping out with Anneka so I could finish up the term at Capilano U, and help out with all the pre-Christmas orders in the frame store. And thanks to Becky for doing all the Christmasy things with Anneka that I couldn't seem to fit in the schedule - baking and crafts. Many nights I was working past 10 and the eve before we left for Victoria, until 1am. But I did it! I got all the orders done, and I got plenty of hours and wages to ensure good maternity benefits.

Anneka and Amelia smashing hippos on Christmas morning.

Doctor's orders are to slow down and rest more. She broke down my energy expenditure and said I needed to cut out half of it - at least. Well, I probably won't but I got the message. Today, Paul has taken Anneka to Science World and to visit her cousin, and I have a day. I don't have a car - that's good. It limits what I can do. I'm always questioning why I feel so tired...but then, I have a toddler this time, and so when I am home my time is devoted to her. I am always trying to make up for not seeing her as much. Oh ya, I'm growing a baby too. I forget that takes energy. And this body of mine requires extra effort to get to do simple things - like bend down to get flour out of the cupboard, or put on my shoes. At work, I feel like a bull in a china shop.

Yesterday, at the aquarium with Anneka and friends, I felt like crying all day. My back hurt sitting in the car, I was feeling drained, Anneka pushed and pulled the hair of an older girl and didn't seem to care, she was dressed like a boy and people were calling her "he" - as in "he pushed that girl", and little baby, who has been in position for the majority of this pregnancy, had decided to explore my uterus and was sitting with a little head jammed up into my right ribs!! I was feeling pretty damn sensitive, and did I mention, tired?

Monster child.

When I got home, Paul was crawling around in the attic rewiring an electric circuit, getting covered in insulation and generally struggling. There were tools and parts all over the house. I cried.

Last night I slept deeply for an uniterrupted 8 hours, woke up and slept some more. Today, I still feel tired. But better. Better because I've given myself permission to accomplish nothing. Better because I've decided it's OK to be tired and act tired. Better because (I think) I can feel little feet in my right ribs and not a waggly little head. Better because I went grocery shopping on my own at 9am and bought yummy stuff. Better because Anneka was much more pleasant and we played and did art without me feeling I should be getting stuff done. Better because she's gone now, and so is Paul.

Angel Child.

I love them, but I really do hope they decide to stay the night in Vancouver. I'm quite content to love them from a distance tonight!

Here's to Anneka

2009-11-27T13:17:00.000-08:00

I love Anneka! Maybe it's being away from her so much but, no matter how exhausted I am, I love being around her...and I have so much more patience for those two year old tantrums.

She is singing so many songs...pat-a-cake to the baby, five little monkeys, abc's and 123's. She can recite a couple of her books on her own...she does all of Brown Bear, What Do You See?, while turning the pages and pointing to the lines. She loves to play doctor and makes me be the patient. She checks my heartbeat and Baby's heart beat, my ears, eyes, nose and asks me if, afterward, I feel better. I often catch her playing "doctor" with her dolls as well, chatting away and making up all kinds of games on her own. I think she's learned a lot about play and also about independence at daycare. She seems to really enjoy going to daycare from Monday straight through Thursday. She loves to draw - she draws circles for bodies and stick arms and legs around them, though they don't usually connect. She uses the whole paper drawing little things all over it. It is very focused and each stroke seems to have a purpose, and she talks about what she's drawing.

She's a pretty damn happy little thing, although she still whines and cries easily when she doesn't get what she wants. We really try not to reinforce this behaviour by giving in but she is SO persistant. She can be a bit aggressive and selfish around other kids. She does love kids and seems to make friends easily, but she does push and isn't too good at sharing yet. She loves to play with older girls, especially her cousin Amelia. They play so well together, with Amelia engaging Anneka in all kinds of new make-believe games. The latest one has been school. Anneka worships Amelia (who wouldn't?) and goes along with most everything. Last Sunday they played together ALL DAY without a single argument! But, Anneka's no push over. As Gamma says, "she's not afraid to stand up to anyone" and she knows PRECISELY what she wants.

She's also got a really hardly constitution. She gets through illnesses quickly and they are usually short lived - except the snotty noses. I was like that as a kid, too, never getting quite as sick as most of the kids around me. Actually, it wasn't until a I had a kid myself that I became more prone to illness. Still, I'm working on building back that healthy immune system. Of course kids bring all kinds of stuff into the house, but I've also spent my share of time in schools.

Anneka is really a rock in a lot of ways. She's still as solid a night time sleeper as ever, although she's been getting up earlier (between 7 and 7:30 most days with the occasional 8am "sleep in"). Those glorious summer days of sleeping in are long gone. She still sleeps in a crib, and I'm going to leave her in it until she asks to change. She will. She's asked to be out of a pull up at night. She says it's "too ouchy" and that she's a "big girl now" and takes it off. So, she's been entirely diaper free for three days now. She waits until the morning to pee. She has an amazing bladder, which I wish she'd inherited from me! Although still hard to understand at times (although I get most of what she says) she is getting much clearer to strangers and speaks in long sentences and even paragraphs. I think this ability to communicate makes her really happy and a lot less frustrated than she otherwise could get.

So this post is a quick little tribute to Annekins...of course we do go through rough patches, but lately it's been so fun. I love you baby! (I mean, big girl - sorry!) And I just wanted to say "Thank You" for being so cooperative during this busy time of working as much as possible, renovating and growing a baby. You are going to be an amazing BIG SISTER!

get shot or not?

2009-11-19T09:28:00.001-08:00

My doctor is over sixty and remembers family members and family friends getting sick and even dieing from polio and diptheria. She has a real appreciation for vaccines and their ability to save lives. I'd say she's even passionate about it. Yes, I am from a generation that takes vaccines for granted and even has the luxury to refuse them and not get sick. When the majority of the population has been vaccinated, the likelihood of getting a potentially debilitating or fatal disease is greatly diminished. So, the logic is why take the risk of you or your child having some adverse reaction or becoming developmentally impaired by having the vaccine? The rest of the population can take the risk.

When I travel, I don't question getting myself vaccinated for Hepatitis A, B, Thypoid, or Yellow Fever. The chance of contracting one of these diseases is real, and I'd rather take my chances on a vaccine then give up traveling. We chose to give Anneka all the regular vaccines on the prescribed schedule. We want to travel with her, and these vaccinations have stood the test of time (with the exception of the chicken pox vaccine). We'll do the same with our second child.

Why then, do I always turn down the flu vaccine and have, so far, refused the H1N1 vaccine? I think it's for similar reasons as my doctor feels strongly about vaccinations. When I was a kid, we all got the flu. People got the flu, you had a fever, puked, whatever; but you got over it pretty quick. And that was it. It wasn't a big deal. Although flues do kill, they never harmed anyone around me. And so I always felt the flu shot was a bit of a waste for the general population. But, maybe it's not? If you vaccinate the herd, those that slip through also gain some protection.

Probably the main reason I haven't got the H1N1 flu vaccine, is because we think it already swept through our household (as I mentioned in a previous post). I'd be willing to put money on it, but I'd still be gambling.

Is there any harm in getting the vaccine regardless? Probably not. And I would like to make sure this little baby (coming in February) is not exposed to flu-like illnesses so early in its life.

Sick Again; Sick With Men

2009-11-14T08:22:00.000-08:00

Aargh. I hope it's not the dreaded Swine flu. It feels more like a cold. Just started yesterday.

Had a really good high-energy week, until yesterday. Then also started feeling really irritated with men in general. It's not so much Paul, it's men. But he fits that category. I'm working today, he's gone skiing, Anneka has been dropped at a friend's. Then, Kiki's first birthday party this evening.

I think I'm almost 28 weeks pregnant - or is it 27? Little Baby is sitting low and using my bladder as an exercise ball. I guess I'm in my third trimester already. Also I'm starting to feel Baby's hiccups quite frequently - again like Anneka - and baby hangs out in a similar position as Anneka did. Head down and on my left, butt to the left and above my belly button and feet probing my right ribs (but lower). Perfect position; good baby.

I've beem feeling disenchanted with my prenatal care - the mid-wifery care I got during my first pregnancy is hard to measure up to. Midwives do not have authority to practice in our Squamish hospital and so there are no practicing midwives up here. Gloria Lemay will come up to deliver home births and make house calls in Squamish but not during mid-winter...who could blame her? The Olympic hub-bub will be starting, or underway, when this baby is due, so I'm not sure I want to tackle the highway to Vancouver myself. So, I settled with my doctor's care and delivery in our local hospital. But, as I said, I haven't been too pleased with the care I've been receiving.

Let me just say, I like my doctor very much, even if she is some what verbose - a bit more of a speaker than a listener. She's older and a very experienced maternity doctor. She's a self confident, strong-minded woman, and kind. She's been through a lot herself, seen changes in obsetrics through the years, and is an advocate for women. I hope she will be an advocate for me; but I have not had a conversation about my birth expectations with her yet.

It's not really her; it's the clinic and the system. She does rounds at the hospital, she does shifts at the walk in clinic, plus she has all her regular patients/clients. She is not confined to four scheduled births a month, as with midwives. The prenatal appointment after my 18 week ultrasound, did not produce my ultrasound results. I had to remind my doctor that they should be ready - but during the time I was there, they did not appear. Contrast: my midwife called me to give me a quick run down on results (ie. nothing to worry about) and told me we would go over them in detail during my next visit. I have not been called about the results since then.

Since then, I missed an appointment. Totally slipped my mind. At work that evening, I was scheduling items in my agenda, and realized this. I was never contacted by the clinic to see why... or by my doc. Shouldn't she be concerned? Later that week when I called the clinic to check in and say that I wouldn't reschedule (my doc books 6 weeks in advance anyway) I asked about the ultrasound report. Yes, they had it, No, my doctor would not be calling me about it. I know there is nothing out of the ordinary in it, as the tech at the hospital was wonderful and told us about all she was seeing and said everything looked fabulous etc. etc.; it's just a formality, but important to me.

So, I have been reconsidering my options. I began considering the drive to Vancouver; contacted Gloria. Then I had a conversation with a coworker who raved about my doctor. This woman who has lived here for decades, said she was the best maternity doctor. Everyone loved her. She'd be there for you anytime...and on and on. Hmmmm. Maybe I'll give her another try and have that timely conversation with her.

It would be so much easier to have the baby here in our little local hospital ... or maybe my doctor, the independent, strong-minded woman, would come to my house? Everyone likes our hospital. Less patients; more attention. Could be sweet.

I feel much better. I don't think I have H1N1, and I've really enjoyed this time at the computer with my coffee in a quiet house. Scratchy throat, runny nose, but clear mind, and strong body.

Now I just have to get over this thing with men I'm having; it's probably a good thing I just watched the last episode of Mad Men...I don't think it was helping!!

Pregnancy

2009-10-18T20:11:00.000-07:00

I am now 24 weeks pregnant, or about five and a half months and well over half way there. I am in no hurry for this pregnancy to be over. Like clockwork, the major fatique and nausea subsided by 12 weeks, but shortly after I became sick. There is a good chance it was the H1N1 virus, as I've heard that anywhere from 50 - 90% of the flu cases in this area have been. My symptoms would indicate that it was.

On the worst day of the illness, I was to host Anneka's second birthday party, and of course, I had made life difficult by planning to make homemade pizzas on the BBQ for 15 children and adults. I had to call my mom to come up from Vancouver the rescue me; there was no way I was going to pull it off on my own. The party was at 5:00 (was a huge success - Anneka had the time of her life) and by 7:00 I was sitting in the rocking chair in Anneka's room, sweating, coughing and barely able to move. That bug progressed from one thing into the next for the next four weeks until my nose was so red and raw and cracked, that my doctor thought it could have turned into a case of allergic rhinitis. Indeed, I had been sanding and filling in the basement suite for days. Within days of her giving me a cortisone nasal spray, I was better. The headaches that plagued me from the beginning of the pregnancy also decreased majorly.

So, finally, the last few weeks I have been feeling really good. Some days I can't even believe how high my energy levels, but other days, like to day, my activity catches up with me. I've taken a job at Pure Frame and Flower store to boost up my maternity hours. It is super fun and I am learning all about framing. That combined with Capilano U. has me working around 30 hours a week. Right now, I am loving it and feel really good about both jobs. They compliment eachother so nicely. Cap, is my career job and the framing definitely massages my creative/hands-on side. I have been so, so lucky this summer and fall.

I hope my luck continues. Paul and Anneka have been very sick since Wednesday. On Thursday night, Anneka's fever was so high (39.6) that the nurse at 811 recommended I take her to emergency right away. After working 10 hours, I was not back home until midnight, and the trip wasn't really necessary - the Tylenol had brought her fever down. For the next two days we administered Tylenol when she'd begun to heat back up and her and Paul rested and slept. They seem to have both turned the corner now. I have not yet got sick. I hope, I hope that they just got what I had previously and that I have some immunity now, because I do not want to go throught that again - especially the night time coughing.

As for little baby; I really believe that she/he has been well protected from all of his/her mother's ailments. My belly is big - bigger than it was with Anneka. This time, I had strangers comment on my pregnancy by 11 weeks. I carried Anneka way out front too and showed quite early, but after looking at pictures of me pregnant the first time at 24 weeks, it is obvious I am displaying this baby even more obviously. I squished myself into the jeans I had on in Anneka's belly shot and even wore them to work - that made me feel better.

Baby was really busy during the 19 week ultrasound, constantly chewing on fingers and waving arms and legs. I have been comforted with Baby's movement all along, never a day passing where I didn't feel movement. Today the movements feel really strong. Just moments ago, I was watching my belly and watching baby pushing or kicking just to the right of my belly button with strong solide movements. It is so cool to watch this knocking on the uterine wall. It reminded me of Anneka, because her shape and position in side of me was unusually clear (according to my midwives). I feel really good about this baby inside of me - it just seems that he or she is resilient and hardy and thriving. I love this little baby so much already.

Thanks!

2009-10-16T12:28:00.000-07:00

It felt great! I had a little retreat on Mayne Island over Thanksgiving weekend. I was skipping, breaking out old dance moves, grinning from ear to ear. I felt rejuvenated and juvenile. I drank fresh air and ate up the scenery. I rode my Dad's road bike all over the island which only has hills that go up.

I arrived, biked to the cabin in the dimming light, made a fire, went for a walk and gazed at the stars, took myself out to dinner, then lay in the true black quiet - no street lights, no street noise, only the hum of nature's night life.

Back at "Gamma's" on Sunday evening, devouring turkey and gravy and stuffing, I was in love with my family. It was something to be thankful for.

October 1st Update

2009-10-01T09:29:00.000-07:00

The irony of that last post, is I kind of lost my cool - just a little - at city hall days later.

We had been told we needed a variance for something which (after jumping through all the hoops) it turned out we didn't. That set our plans back...oh about a month. People just aren't sure of things over there in Community Development and Planning resulting in nobody wanting to make a call about anything. For example, we have a little problem with the Flood Construction Level, and we're asking for some leeway. Nobody has said "no", but nobody has said "yes" either. So we continue to wait.

Meanwhile, the little baby in my belly grows bigger and stronger every day.

It's OK though...I think, I think, I can handle it all. An infant, a construction zone, a toddler, cramped and messy quarters and maybe even a little bit of work at Capilano U. I think. I think I have the support I need. But I forget, don't I? I forget what having an infant means... Oh Well - we all survive.

In the meantime we are gutting the basement suite. Our tenants moved out for September. It was so gross and smelly down there. We've torn out the carpets, washed the windows, repaired and painted the trim, replaced some drywall and it already feels (and smells) better. It needs a lot more work. I plan on painting the ceilings this morning.

I'm not getting much work with the School District. I think it is because of funding cutbacks. Still, Anneka is now going to daycare four days a week. She's doing quite well with it, but it is too much. And we've seen some new, negative behaviours as a result. They could be her response to the added stress. I'm trying to get some other work...anything. When I get this sorted out, I'd still like to try to take her out of daycare for one day. I think at this age, for Anneka anyways, two days is good, and three is OK. My job at Capilano University is great, but it is only 10 hours a week.

And that's an update!

A Test

2009-09-16T14:34:00.000-07:00

I really have been quite lucky lately:

I landed a great little job.
I found childcare just down the road for Anneka.
I felt excited about house plans and felt we were overcoming the obstacles.

And little serendipitous things seemed to be happening all over the place. Or maybe I was just in a good mood? On CBC radio I heard something to the effect of: for every difficulty, annoyance, bit of bad luck, that you lament, you must celebrate equally the things that fall into place, happen with ease, bring good luck. This stuck with me and I was, I am, determined to celebrate these.

Then of course along came some difficulties. Nothing major, a nasty bug that stuck with me for three weeks, some back pain/sciatica, a new wave of nausea and fatigue, and a whole lot of (ahem) BULLSHIT at municipal hall. I'll save the colour of the crap for another day, or maybe not at all, other than to say, I've never experienced such nonsense within government departments with the exception of some third world agencies.

But this is the point of my post. Not to dwell in the stench, but instead to search for good intentions, to give the benefit of the doubt, to accept the mistakes of others, to find humor and let it all flow through me.

And by doing so, become better able to work with it.

Our First House

2009-09-02T09:48:00.000-07:00

In May of 2008, we bought a house.

It isn't much, but it has some great views.

We had plans for this house, nothing huge - take down some walls, new floors, paint, fixtures etc. We had the plans, but not the time, the know-how, nor the means. So instead, I focused on the yard.

The yard was a postage stamp. There was a rose bush in the front, a holly tree in the back, and a rectangle of waist-high weeds that, at one time, had been a veggie garden.

Some mini projects over the last two seasons have led to something a little better.

The first season we acquired a green house from our awesome neighbour, I built a rock garden under the holly tree and Paul butchered the weeds that were once a veggie patch.

We moved in in July, but managed to put in a late garden.

This spring, we added a sand box, started seeds early in the greenhouse and had the time to properly prepare the soil for growing vegetables.

We also added a strawberry patch and enclosed the garden to keep out some of the ravenous weeds.

The garden has gone-off this year and we have had some huge harvests.

I'm still working on this path.

We've done a few things inside, but nothing too exciting.

Now, more than a year later those small ideas for the house have grown and these inflated ideas have been put on paper, made concrete. Now we are waiting....